


Secret Letters

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-09-25 19:57:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 26,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9841607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: She moved to the island to find peace and inspiration. She found both - and something else she hadn't expected to find.[Tuorja AU]





	1. Chapter 1

Tarja stepped off the boat.  
Finally.  
Finally alone. Finally she had reached Åland, her destination of peace and inspiration. She walked to the info point to ask for her home. She knew the address, she just never had been there.  
"Good morning!" a friendly young lady called as Tarja stepped inside.  
"Morning," Tarja said and pulled her two suitcases into a corner before she walked over.  
"Welcome to Åland!" the blonde lady said and Tarja smiled.  
"Thanks," she replied. She had already known that the main language was Swedish, but now that she actually had to talk it, she felt even more like a stranger. "Can you help me? I bought a house in Lemland."  
"Ah, how nice!" the woman called and Tarja smiled again. How outgoing she was ... was that normal? "You can take a train there, lasts about half an hour. You'll be faster with the car though, do you have one?"  
"Not yet, I'll take the train," Tarja replied. "Where's the train station?"  
The blonde woman described the way to the train station and even looked for a connection for her.  
"The next one will depart in sixteen minutes from rail 2. One ticket costs twenty-five Euro, you should definitely get an annual ticket. That'll be much cheaper."  
"Thanks a lot," Tarja thanked the woman and took her suitcases.  
"Enjoy your stay!" the woman called after her as she left the info point. 

The capital city of Lemland was more like a capital village.  
"Population, 1 990," Tarja read on the shield that said "Welcome to Lemland" and shook her head. She had chosen the perfect backwater for her writing.   
Also here she found an info point and again she walked inside to ask about her address.  
"Tränvatten? What kind of address is this?" the woman asked and shook her head. "I've never heard of it. Let me see." The woman typed something into her computer.  
"I asked my landlady for the smallest area in this town," Tarja said. "She told me it was a settlement of three houses."  
"Three houses," the woman said and raised her brows. "There's only one area like that here - I don't know what it's called though." She pressed Enter. "Oh! You were right, sweetie. It's called Tränvatten. Did you really buy a house there?"  
"Yes - why?" Tarja started to wonder about that address. What was wrong with it?  
"Ah, it's just quite deserted. You only have one neighbour."  
"One?" Tarja laughed loudly. "That's perfect. Is there a bus to it?"  
Now it was the woman's turn to laugh. "A bus, oh that one's good. No, there's no bus. But you can rent a car and go there, drive two kilometres to south-east until you reach a river. Then you can rent a boat that will bring you to the other shore. You'll already see the wood then. Then ..." The woman squinted her eyes at the screen. "Yep. Walk through the wood and after a few more minutes you'll be there."  
Tarja was shocked. It was really more deserted than she had thought. She decided to choose later if it was good or bad, later when she had arrived.  
"Can I ask for your name?" the woman asked and Tarja nodded.  
"Turunen," she said and the woman typed again. "Tarja Soile?"  
"Susanna," Tarja added and nodded.  
"Birthday, August 17th? I see you've already reported your move."  
Tarja nodded again and the woman smiled at her. "Welcome to Lemland, Tarja. Enjoy your stay."

As the lady had said, Tarja had to rent a car to get to the shore. And when she arrived at the water after a drive of a few minutes, she asked the fisherman for a boat.  
"Are you staying for a longer time?" he asked after he helped her to put the suitcases on the boat.  
"Well, yes. I guess so," Tarja replied. "I bought a house over there."  
The man raised his eyebrows. "Really? Mh ... well in this case you should buy a boat. And a car. Would be cheaper for you."  
"Thanks," Tarja said with a smile and started the boat. The second time she heard that already. People probably thought she didn't have much money. Tarja grinned and shook her head. How amazing it was; no one knew her here.  
Five minutes later she hit the other shore. She threw the suitcases on the land and pulled the boat on the shore, putting the rope around a tree. And on the journey went, through a small forest, just as the info lady had said.  
It was a beautiful day and Tarja immediately noticed that she had made a good decision with moving here. She had only been here for an hour and had already three ideas for new songs.  
Slowly the forest got lighter and soon Tarja stood in front of a big glade.  
Her mouth went open.  
The info lady hadn't overacted.   
There was nothing but nature and three little houses. Three small houses made of wood.  
One was close to the small forest, the second was close to the water and the third was at the other end of the glade.  
"Three," Tarja remembered. The landlady had sold house 3 to her. She walked to the house close to her and shook her head. "One," she said and walked to the other house, the one close to the water. Her gaze travelled over the shore and she noticed that there was a boat.  
In which of those houses did her neighbour live? Probably this one, house 2.  
Tarja walked over to the third house and pulled out her keys, putting the house key into the door. It fit.  
She exhaled, unlocked and went inside.

He stared out of the window. He couldn't believe it, he had a new neighbour?  
He slowly got back. Also this neighbour would flee. She would be scared of him and sooner or later she'd flee.  
He sat down on his piano and started playing.

Tarja looked up. There was music playing! It sounded like a piano ...  
She pulled the curtains away and looked over to the house by the water; it seemed her neighbour was a music lover too.  
Her heart suddenly beat faster ...

After Tarja was done with unpacking, she looked out of the window again. Should she knock at his door? She was curious to meet this neighbour, she somehow imagined him to be in his late fifties. Who else would want to live here, completely alone? Maybe he was a bitter, old man who wanted to be alone?  
Tarja decided not to annoy him, she would meet him sooner or later anyway.   
Tarja went to bed without thinking of him again.

The days passed and her neighbour hadn't introduced himself to her yet. Tarja didn't care that much, she had also come here to be alone after all. She had written and recorded six new songs already, if her manager liked them he'd send them to her record label and then she could spend days in the studio again.

She had a camera and sometimes filmed herself. She was singing, at least it looked like it. Why was she filming herself singing? Was she a singer?  
He was curious but too shy to knock at her door.

Again some days passed and one rainy and boring day Tarja decided to invite her neighbour for a glass of wine. She took an umbrella and walked over to knock at his door.  
As he didn't open, she looked around. Hm. Seemed like he was gone, the boat wasn't at its place. Why would he go away on a rainy day? Tarja walked over to the wooden pier, wanting to take a closer look. Maybe the boat was there, only hidden?  
A big cracking sound almost gave her a heart attack and she screamed as the rotten wood gave up under her.  
"Fuck!" She cursed as she tried to pull her leg out of the wood and noticed that she was stuck. "Help!" she shouted, hoping that her mysterious neighbour heard her.

She screamed for help.  
He stood up and looked out of the window. He couldn't see her, the rain was too tight. He sighed, why had she knocked at his door? Maybe she really needed his help ...  
He went out of the house and walked down to the pier, where he saw her.  
She had stepped on the rotten wood. Oh, what a clumsy woman.  
He walked down and grabbed her arm.

Tarja gasped as she looked up. And her eyes met the bluest eyes she had ever seen.  
Suddenly everything seemed to stand still. The rain. The time. The world.  
His face was handsome, his hair was long and black. And so was his beard. He looked deeply sad or melancholic - and he wasn't 60. He wasn't even 40 yet. Maybe he was in the beginning of his thirties. His eyes were bluer than the sky.  
His grab was fierce though and it seemed easy for him to pull Tarja out of the rotten pier wood.  
He placed her back on the ground and looked up to the sky.  
Tarja was speechless. The raindrops fell on him and for some reason it made her heart race. He looked beautiful, even with his wet hair and face...  
Tarja suddenly remembered that she must look the same way.  
"Thanks," she said and the man looked back at her.  
"You're welcome."  
His voice was deep and raw. Tarja swallowed.  
"I'm Tarja."  
"Tarja," the man said and his eyes widened. "You're Finnish?"  
"I am," Tarja said. "And you are?"  
"I'm Finnish too," the man replied and Tarja laughed, immediately going back to her mother tongue.  
"So we can talk Finnish with each other! Oh, that's nice. What's your name?"  
"Tuomas," the man said carefully. "And - you should get back inside. You're about to catch a cold."  
"Good idea," Tarja said and studied his beautiful face closer. How old could he be? 32? Something around that age.  
Tuomas looked back at her for a while, until he wordlessly turned around and walked back.   
"Thank you!" Tarja called after him but he didn't reply.

Tarja.  
Beautiful name, beautiful woman.  
Tuomas massaged his temples. Why had she moved here? She was in danger now. This woman was too precious to be in danger.  
Tarja ...  
How green her eyes had looked. He hadn't seen so much of her eyes, her wet hair had hidden most of them but what he had seen had been mesmerising...  
Tarja. Tarja. Tarja.  
He couldn't stop thinking of her.  
He looked out of the window and watched her undress. Should he tell her that he had a perfect view into her bedroom?

How mysterious he was.  
Tarja cuddled herself into her blanket. He hadn't opened when she had knocked, but he had definitely heard. He had heard her shouts for help.  
He really wanted to be alone ...

But Tarja couldn't leave him alone.  
Her thoughts were only with him, with those sky blue eyes and this dark hair. Those sad features. She longed to see him again and one day when she went to the village to buy food, she bought a bottle of red wine.  
"Ohhh, do you have a date?" Emilia, the cashier, asked. Tarja was living in Lemland for only two weeks now and she already knew half of the population. Almost.   
"No, not really. Well, I'm planning to invite Tuomas."  
Emilia's eyes widened. "Your neighbour Tuomas?? Tuomas Holopainen??"  
"So his last name's Holopainen," Tarja said with a smile. "Yes, I mean him."  
Emilia shook her head. "Don't do that, Tarja! He's so creepy! Everytime he comes here I'm scared that he's gonna rape me!"  
"Rape you?" Tarja shook her head. "I don't think he'd do that. He saved me three days ago."  
She told Emilia about the incident, but the young woman still shook her head.  
"He's scary as fuck. Don't trust him. No one here ever talks to him."  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "Maybe that's the reason why he's so bitter ... I'll buy a bar of chocolate too."  
"Don't do this," Emilia sighed but Tarja didn't listen.


	2. Chapter 2

Tarja didn't know why but she put on some make up. Maybe because last time he had seen her with a wet face and hair, maybe he had thought she was ugly. She didn't want him to think she was ugly.  
And after putting on a light pink lip gloss and some mascara, she grabbed the bar of Fazer and the red wine and walked over.

She knocked for five minutes and Tuomas only opened because she didn't seem to give up.  
"Hey," she smiled. Her smile was breathtaking. "Can I come in?"  
"Why?" Tuomas asked and watched her face fall.  
"I wanted to talk a little," she said shyly. "And thank you for saving me. Look, I brought wine!"  
Tuomas stepped aside. She wouldn't give up.

Tarja looked around. It looked exactly like her house, only that there were many ... pictures. Not photos, no. Pictures. Drawings.   
"Are these by you?" she asked and went closer to look at a pencil drawing.   
"Yes," the man replied softly. He brought out two glasses and pointed at the couch. "You can take a seat."  
Tarja did so, still looking around. "Are you an artist?"  
"That's only a hobby," Tuomas said and carried the glasses to the couch table, pouring some wine into Tarja's. "I earn my money with writing music."  
"I hear you playing every day," Tarja admitted. "Beautiful."  
Beneath his beard, Tuomas blushed.  
Tarja smiled. "What are you writing?"  
"Film music," he said quietly. "Nothing special ..."  
"Really?" Tarja said and put her hand over her heart. "Which movies?"  
"Unknown movies," Tuomas muttered.  
"I'm a musician too," Tarja said excitedly. "I'm writing and singing rock songs."  
*I know,* Tuomas thought but didn't say it. If he told her that he watched her singing, she'd probably find out that he watched her doing other stuff too. Like undressing. And other stuff ...  
"Do you write poems too?"  
"Me? No, I can't put right words together," Tuomas lied. "I only write music."  
"Maybe we could collaborate!" Tarja suggested and Tuomas shrugged.  
"Sure, why not ..."  
Tarja was still looking around as Tuomas lifted his glass. "Cheers... I guess."  
"Cheers!" Tarja said with another breathtaking smile and they clinked glasses. "Where do you have your piano?"  
"In my bedroom," Tuomas said. "Sometimes I'm already in bed when a melody crosses my mind and if I don't play it within five seconds, it's gone."  
"Oh, I know that," Tarja said and suddenly her look stopped at the corner of the living room.  
"You have a cat?" she called as she noticed the food bowl.  
"Yes, Speedy," Tuomas chuckled. "Wanna see her?"  
"Of course! She's my neighbour too, I need to meet her."  
Tuomas smiled lightly and stood up. What a woman ... now he was only waiting until she noticed how strange he was.   
"Come here, sweetie," he mumbled and picked the black cat up from his bed. "There's someone who wants to meet you. Be nice, she's something special."  
He carried her to the living room and Tarja squealed.  
"She's cute!"  
"My old lady," Tuomas said gently and put the purring cat down. She immediately started to rub her head against Tarja's leg.  
"How old is she?"  
"Well, I got her when I moved here. So she's thirteen years."  
Tarja looked up. "You've been living here for thirteen years?" she asked quietly.  
Tuomas nodded. "Since I was twenty-two."  
*He's thirty-five, he's ten years older than me,* Tarja thought. "Sorry to ask but ... isn't it depressing? So alone ...?"  
"You also moved here to be alone, right?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded.  
"But not for thirteen years ... only for a while ... Until I've found a boyfriend or something."  
"Here?" Tuomas chuckled and Tarja shrugged.  
"I'm a singer. It doesn't matter where I live, I'm coming around."  
"True," Tuomas said. "And, to answer your question, it's not depressing. I wanted to be alone and I am alone."  
Tarja nodded. Slowly she started to believe that Emilia had been right. He was creepy. But he definitely wasn't a raper.

Tuomas thanked her again for the wine and chocolate before she walked home.  
Then he placed himself in front of his bedroom window, ready to follow his new hobby - watching her.  
Tonight she did what she didn't do often, she had only done it once before. Last time he hadn't watched her but tonight he did.  
His eyes grew dark as he saw her back bend, her whole body was squirming. Her lips were apart and he could swear that she was moaning loudly.  
He wished he could hear her.  
Eventually he heard her when she came, her scream was loud enough to be heard.  
Tuomas closed his eyes, ashamed that he had been watching her. Of course it was private but she had looked so erotic while doing it to herself ...  
Why had she done it tonight? Because of him?  
"Of course not," Tuomas mumbled. "Why should she? Look at yourself, you're a nobody. And once she finds out about what you are ..."  
Tuomas had always hated himself, but in the last years he had started to see sense in his life. Now that Tarja was living close to him, old insecurities and fears had come back. 

"And? How was he??"  
"He was nice," Tarja said as Emilia pulled the noodles over the scanner. "We talked a lot. He seemed shy but okay."  
"I don't know ... he's so creepy."  
"That's true, he's a little scary," Tarja said slowly. "And the way he talked ... so carefully. But it was really nice to talk to him. Maybe he just needs a friend."  
"Be careful, really," Emilia begged. "He never joins celebrations. He never joins the midsummer celebration! How strange is that?"  
"Not strange at all, I hate this celebration too," Tarja laughed and then sighed. "Something's definitely wrong with him but I don't think that he's dangerous. I'll ask him over tonight."  
Emilia shrugged. "Well ... good luck."

Tarja knocked at his door when she came home and this time Tuomas opened after only a minute.  
"Hi!" he said with a smile. "What are you doing tonight?"  
"Playing piano, probably," Tuomas said. *And watching you sing ...*  
"And before that? Do you have dinner plans?"  
"Not really."  
"Wanna come over?"  
"Join you for dinner?" Tuomas was confused.  
"Yes!" Tarja called. "I'm making noodles with tomato sauce and I'm always cooking too much. I'm not used to be so alone ..."  
Tuomas didn't answer for a while, he was lost in her green eyes.  
"Okay ..." he finally whispered.  
"Yay!" Tarja called. "Is six o'clock okay?"  
Tuomas nodded and Tarja winked at him. "Just come inside. I'll put some music on, maybe I won't hear you"  
"Your music?" Tuomas smiled lightly and Tarja winked again before she turned around and walked back, swaying her hips a little extra on purpose.   
Tuomas' heart was beating fast.

He didn't know how to make himself presentable anymore, he hadn't done that in years. He shaved his beard and combed his hair. It was so long already, he decided to cut it soon. He put on a blazer he hadn't worn in ages and walked over. He didn't enter without knocking, he was a gentleman. He knocked the door at exactly six o'clock.

Tarja opened and smiled. He had shaved his beard? Why? It suited him...  
"Come in," she said gently and then she giggled. "I almost didn't recognise you!"  
"It was long overdue," Tuomas mumbled and Tarja shrugged.  
"I like men with beards," she said with a flirty tune and Tuomas swallowed. Of course he noticed that she was flirting. He didn't know how to flirt back. Or if he even should.

"Mh," Tuomas said. "It tastes amazing."  
"It's the only dish I don't fail with," Tarja laughed. "Thanks. Glad you like it."  
They ate in silence, until Tarja couldn't hold back anymore.   
"Do you want to join me to the midsummer celebration coming Friday?"  
"I rather not," Tuomas immediately said. "Sorry."  
"Why not?" Tarja asked challenging.   
"People don't really like me. They think I'm strange."  
"They do because you never join celebrations. I'll take you there."  
"Don't do that, Tarja," Tuomas said quietly. "People don't like me ... and I don't like people. Don't try to force me to be happy. It's hard for me to talk to you alone already."  
"Sorry," Tarja mumbled. He didn't look at her. Maybe he was right, she should leave him be.

He watched her again. She was singing, looking as beautiful as always.  
Tuomas wondered about her sharp cheekbones, her strong jawline, her full lips.  
He closed his eyes and imagined his own lips kissing them. Kissing her jaw. He imagined her soft breath against his skin, her sweet scent in his nose.  
He imagined her smile directed to him and her lips part because of him. She was moaning because of him.  
He imagined her sighing when he entered her, when he stroke her face.  
"You're so beautiful," he whispered and leaned his face against the window. He had never thought of sleeping with someone before. Never. She had changed him ...

"He's not creepy," Tarja said again. She was so annoyed already, no one of the citizens wouldn't leave her alone.  
"You're living next to Tuomas Holopainen, right?" she heard every five minutes and everyone of them told her the same.  
"He's so creepy."  
The older woman shook her head and turned around, telling her husband that "that young woman over there" would surely look for another house soon.  
"Hey! Tarja!"  
"Emilia, hi!" Tarja called and embraced her friend.  
"May I introduce you to my friends? Tarja, this is Olli, my boyfriend. This is Wilma, Olli's sister, and this is Hugo, Wilma's boyfriend. And this is Mattias, Hugo's brother, and Maritta, my best friend and cousin.  
"Hi." Tarja shook their hands. Mattias immediately sat down next to her.   
"You can call me Matti," he said with a broad smile.

Matti was nice, but very, very obtrusive. He was handsome and he knew it, but he wasn't Tarja's type. But it seemed that Tarja was Matti's type.  
"So you're a rock chick??" he called after his fourth beer or something. "Hot! Guess you're really rocking in the bed?"  
"Uhm - I don't know?" Tarja said and Maritta laughed.  
"Stop pestering her, Mattias."  
"I'm not pestering her. What is a rock chick doing in a nest like this?"  
"Trying to have a calm life," Tarja said and Maritta laughed loudly.  
"Ah, I understand." Matti said. "I'll get something to drink, what do you want? Vodka? Whiskey?"  
"Water!" Tarja shouted after him, but she wasn't sure if he had heard her.  
"I'm so sorry," Maritta apologised. "Matti can be quite annoying but I swear, he's nice."  
"That's okay," Tarja said. "Hey, a question - when Emilia introduced y'all I noticed that you're all related somehow ... is that normal?"  
"Oh, yes. We're one big family here," Maritta said and Tarja's face fell. "We're not doing incest!" she quickly added and laughed.  
Tarja laughed too.  
"Another question, is Emilia trying to set me up with Mattias?"  
"Maybe?" Maritta sighed. "Oh, okay. She thinks you're nice and she's scared that Tuomas could kill you. So am I, to be honest."  
"Is he a killer?"  
Maritta shrugged. "He looks like one ..."  
"Emilia said he's a raper."  
"Are you locking your door at night?"  
Tarja stood up, shocked. "He's whether a killer nor a raper! He's my friend and when I asked him to join tonight he said no. Because people don't like him! I'd say there's no problem with him, the problem is with all of you."  
"Calm down. All I'm saying is, that he has been alone for the last 13 years. I think that's strange."  
Tarja glared at the woman with the dark red curls.  
"He's... he's only shy," she then said and stormed away, stormed past Mattias and the others.  
"Tarja!" Emilia called after her but Tarja ignored her.  
She ran to her car and drove home.

She walked to Tuomas' house and carefully looked through the window.  
He wasn't anywhere to be seen. Probably he was asleep already. Tarja sighed and went to bed as well.

And the next day she found the first letter.  
It was pinning at her door.  
Last night was very nice with you. You're such a nice woman, Tarja. I like you a lot ...


	3. Chapter 3

There was no doubt for Tarja that Mattias had written the letter. The other question was, had he really come to Tränvatten to pin the letter at her door?  
Tarja only knew that the letters didn't stop.  
Sometimes they were lying in front of her door, sometimes they were inside of her boat.  
One day she found a letter swimming on the river.  
She fished it out and hung it up to let it dry.  
In the evening she checked if it was dry and it was. She went inside the house, lit a candle and started reading.  
This time it was longer and more intimate than the others ...  
Tarja,  
ever since I've met you, I can't stop thinking about you. About our conversations. About your eyes. I've never felt like this before, really. I wish I was able to tell you what I feel but I'm scared. Scared of your reaction, scared of myself. But until I'm able to tell you, please think of the fact that there is someone who can't stop thinking of you all day long. That there is someone, for whom you mean the world.  
Tarja pressed the letter against her chest.  
Whoever wrote that, he was poetic. She somehow wished that it was her mysterious neighbour, but for a reason she was sure that it wasn't him.  
She watched him a lot, but he was like always. Shy. Silent. Scary ...  
They got closer to each other and Tarja wondered if she should tell him about the letters she had received.  
And one day she stopped wondering and just did it.  
"There's this guy I met at the midsummer celebration," she started and Tuomas looked up. They had spent time together without doing something together. Sometimes Tarja just came over and they wrote. Tuomas wrote a song and Tarja wrote a song. Or Tuomas was drawing and Tarja was reading a book. Only seldom they talked.  
"A guy?" Tuomas smiled.  
"Mattias. I think he fell in love with me."  
"Really?" Tuomas chuckled.   
His insides were clenching. A guy? Well of course. Tarja was gorgeous.   
"He's writing me letters."  
Tuomas didn't answer for a while, before he started smiling broader. He of course tried to hide his feelings. She thought the letters were from Mattias?  
"They're really intimate ... he's telling me a lot about himself. And sometimes he's writing poems. Love poems."  
"Wow," Tuomas said. "Is he good?"  
"He's very good. I already thought if I should use one of his lines for a song."  
Tuomas suddenly felt like crying. She liked his poems ... but she thought they were from another man.  
"Do you love him too?" he asked quietly.  
"I don't, not at all." Tarja shook her head. "He's way too immature. It's sad but I need a man ..."  
Tuomas didn't answer, he only sunk his eyes back on the paper.  
She thought the poems were from another man... he didn't know if he should be happy or not.

One day Tarja was taking a walk in the small forest to clear her head. She was confused about her feelings, those letters made her heart beat faster but she didn't know what to think of them. Mattias told her so much about himself ...  
The last letter she had read had said,  
I have a secret. A dark secret that no one knows about. I'd like to tell you but you'll be scared. I love you, I don't want to scare you away.  
For a moment Tarja had thought that they were from Tuomas. He certainly looked as of he had a secret. She sat down on a little bench and read the letter again.  
A dark secret.  
What could it be?  
Maybe he had written again?  
She jumped up and ran to her boat - and really. Another letter was inside.  
And this time it was another poem ... or a text. It wasn't Finnish nor Swedish, it was English.  
Ever felt away with me   
Just once that all I need.  
Entwined in finding you one day ...  
Tarja smiled to herself. This was beautiful ... she'd definitely use it for a song.

"Tarja! Hey, Tarja!"  
It was Mattias. Tarja turned around and smiled. "Yes?"  
"Sorry because of ... you know. Can I have your number?"  
"I don't have a phone," Tarja replied.  
"You don't have a phone??" Mattias asked. "Wow, okay. Then can I write you a letter?"  
Tarja's heart stared racing. "Sure."  
"I was kidding, I'm not writing letters," Matti laughed and so did Tarja.   
*Sure. Liar.*  
"Do you want to go out?"  
"When, tonight?" Tarja asked and Mattias nodded.  
"Yes. Only you and I, like a date."  
"I already have a date tonight," Tarja lied, trying to make herself look at least a little unattainable. She cheered as Matti's face fell.  
"Oh okay ... and tomorrow?"  
"Tomorrow will do," Tarja said with a smile and winked at him.

Tarja's 'date' was another dinner with Tuomas.  
Ever since she had said that she liked men with beards he hadn't shaved again.  
Tarja watched the older man closely. Even while he was eating he seemed shy.  
"Tuomas?" she suddenly said and Tuomas almost dropped his fork.  
"Yes?"  
"I need to tell you something... see, I have a concert back in Finland next week. In Lahti. And I'll be gone for a few days, after that concert I'll visit my family."  
"Oh." Tuomas looked at his plate. He didn't dare to tell her that he didn't want her to go away.  
"I'll come back, don't worry," Tarja laughed. "Until then, could you maybe ... collect the letters for me? They're either just on the ground or on the boat or they're pinning at my door. I don't want them to vanish."  
"Of course I will do that" Tuomas promised.  
"And ..." Tarja blushed. "Don't read them."  
"Tarja!" Tuomas chuckled. "I'd never. You can trust me."  
Tarja looked up and smiled because she was making him smile. "I trust you," she said and stood up, kissed his cheek and brought her plate to the kitchen.  
Tuomas' cheek was burning where her lips had touched his skin.

Tarja's date with Matti had gone well. He hadn't tried to kiss or touch her, he had been a perfect gentleman and they had fun.  
The next day Tarja found a little note pinned against her door.  
I love you. Don't leave me.   
Tarja sighed. Of course she had told Matti about the concert in Lahti, he had even asked if he could join.  
"I won't leave you," she said gently and put the note to her collection of letters.  
Strange, somehow she wished that Tuomas would ask if he could join ... she knew he'd never do that.  
She started packing, her ship would leave on Monday. One day left...

My home is far, but the rest it lies so close   
With my long lost love under the black rose  
You told I had the eyes of a wolf  
Search them and find the beauty of the beast.  
Tarja smiled lightly and shook her head. She stuffed the letter into her pocket and ran over to Tuomas' house. She knocked wildly.  
"I'm leaving now," she said as he opened.  
"Oh, have fun," Tuomas said gently and only a second later she had thrown herself into his arms.  
Tuomas closed his eyes as he hugged her back. What should he do now for a whole week? He had looked at her every evening, either they had met or he had stalked her. He'd miss her screams when she did it to herself again.  
She let go. "Are you okay?"  
"I'll miss you," he said quietly and Tarja blushed. She dared to cup his face.  
"Go to the village," she said gently. "They won't eat you. They know you're my friend."  
Tuomas laughed quietly. "I can't. They're afraid of me."  
Tarja looked at him. She just had no idea why ... sure, he looked different... his eyes ...  
Tarja's heart was beating fast, too fast.  
He was still holding her. Still looking at her.  
"Tuomas ..." she whispered and his eyes travelled down to her lips.  
"Hm?"  
"My ship is leaving without me."  
"Good," Tuomas mumbled and Tarja laughed.  
"Not good." She pecked his lips before she pushed him away. "I'll be back soon, Tuo. Don't be scared, I'm not moving away."  
Tuomas was speechless. She had kissed him. She had kissed his lips.  
"Have fun," he whispered again, too late though, she was already gone.

"I'm in love," Tarja announced and her mother shrieked.  
"What?? You're in love?? What's his name??"  
"Well," Tarja laughed. "That's complicated. I'm in love with two guys, actually."  
Her mother laughed. "Not again."  
"This time it's different," Tarja said. "It's... really complicated."  
"Why?" her mother sighed. "Are they twins?"  
Tarja laughed. "No. There's the first one, Mattias. He's really nice but he seems like a player. But at the same time he writes me love letters. And then there's the other guy, Tuomas. He ... there's a deep connection between us. He loves to be alone. He's a songwriter, he's totally my type ..." Tarja sighed quietly. "But I think he's not interested in me. Mattias is."  
"But you love Tuomas more," Marjatta said. "I think you love Tuomas more. Your face softened when you talked about him."  
"Okay you're right." Tarja looked down. "I love Tuomas, I love him so much and I wish he'd return those feelings. I tried to flirt, I kissed him... he doesn't react. He doesn't react ..."  
"Okay, that's complicated," Marjatta said with a nod. "But I think that Tuomas is only shy, hm? What if you try to date Mattias and make him jealous?"  
"He's not the jealous guy," Tarja sighed. How could she describe Tuomas to her mother? 'A little scary, alone, ten years older than me'? No. That would be too much for her.  
"Mum, can you record a song for me tomorrow?" Tarja suddenly remembered and pulled out her camera. "It's called Ever Dream. I want to try something. When I announce it, please record. Okay?"  
"Okay," her mother said and took the camera, trying to switch it on.

The concert was a great success. Tarja got flowers and after the concert there would be a little meeting with some hardcore fans.  
She didn't have many fans, but those she had were hardcore.  
"Tarja!" Liisa screamed and embraced her.  
"Liisa, hey," Tarja laughed. She knew her fans by heart already.  
"Your new song, oh my God! I started crying!" Liisa said. "Ever Dream. Did you write it?"  
"Not really," she said. "It's a secret who wrote it." She winked.   
"Oooooo!" Liisa said. "Okay I will stop being annoying. My sister wants to meet you too!"

Tarja went back a week later, just as she had promised.  
Tuomas heard the motor of a boat and looked out of the window. His heart jumped when he watched the most beautiful woman he had ever seen walk over the grass towards her house.  
He had put every letter he had written on her table.  
Now it was just a matter of time until she would come to him and ask him for help.  
Tuomas was ashamed for what he had written but he couldn't help it. He craved for her.

Tarja was speechless. There were six notes and one of them was more intimate than the other.   
I want you, Tarja.  
I'm looking through your window everyday.  
I'm watching you when you masturbate.  
I'm thinking of you when I touch myself.  
I crave for you.  
I will have you.  
"Tuomas!" Tarja screamed and ran over to his house.  
Tuomas closed his eyes. There she was.  
"Tuomas, Tuomas!!" Tarja didn't bother to knock, she stormed inside.  
"You're back!" Tuomas said softly and embraced her. She was sobbing.  
"Is everything okay?"  
She was shaking. "He's stalking me," Tarja whispered. "He's watching me while ... I'm doing private stuff. He's watching me! Did you see anyone? Please tell me the truth, did you see him??"  
"Is saw him," Tuomas mumbled. "It wasn't Mattias Lindholm."  
"Who was it?" Tarja whispered but Tuomas shook his head. He couldn't tell her.  
"Do you lock your door?"  
"Now I will," Tarja whispered and Tuomas stroke her cheek.  
He knew she never locked.


	4. Chapter 4

He had been watching her during the last week before she had left.  
He spent nights next to her bed, watching her. He never wanted to hurt her, he only wanted to protect her. He wanted to look at her. He knew that he couldn't fall asleep anyway, so he had went inside of her house and spent the nights next to her bed.  
Sometimes he kissed her. Sometimes he caressed her. Sometimes he only looked at her.  
And the day before she had left he had taken a picture. He knew that he wouldn't be able to live without being able to see her beautiful face.  
He had caressed her picture every night. It was resting underneath his pillow.  
And now his plan was to scare her even more.  
He didn't know why he wanted to scare her, maybe because then she came to him.

While Tarja was still sleeping, he pinned the note and the picture at her door before he drove over to the village. He bought roses, he had found out the it was Tarja's birthday today.

Tarja yawned and sat up.  
She looked around. No one here. Of course not.   
Tarja had a stalker.  
A stalker.  
It had felt so thrilling, but now that she knew that it wasn't someone she knew, it only felt scary and weird.  
She got dressed and walked outside, walking over to Tuomas' house. She wanted to have breakfast with him.  
But Tuomas wasn't at home.  
"Hmmm," Tarja mumbled and walked back.  
And then she saw the note.  
For a minute she stood there, frozen.   
You're so beautiful when you're sleeping.  
It said. With shaking hands she reached for the note and tore it off the door.  
And her eyes widened.  
She let out a scream as she saw the picture, a picture of herself sleeping. And it had been taken from the inside.  
He had been inside her house.  
She screamed louder, tore the picture off the door, ripped it into two halves.  
She'd go to the police.  
She'd -  
"Tarja?"  
Tarja turned around, gripping her heart. "Tuomas," she whispered.  
Tuomas was holding a bouquet of red roses. Tarja's face grew soft.  
"Happy birthday," Tuomas mumbled and gave the bouquet to her.  
Tarja took it, speechless.  
"Why did you scream?"  
"He was inside of my house," she whispered and picked up the two halves. "Look. He took that of me ... oh God..."  
"Wow," Tuomas mumbled. "That's hardcore..."  
Tarja smelled at the roses. "Mh... thanks for the flowers, Tuo. Who told you about my birthday?"  
Tuomas smiled. "You did."  
"I never did," Tarja insisted, but Tuomas shook his head.  
"You did. You told me a few weeks ago."  
Tarja was confused. She could swear she had never mentioned her birthday.  
And now that she knew that her stalker had been to her room, she was even more confused.   
"Tuomas?" she suddenly whispered and blushed. "Can you stay with me tonight?"

Tuomas had thought that it was a joke. He had thought it was a joke for a whole day.  
Buy now he was standing inside of her bedroom, back turned towards her while she was changing.  
The sounds of her soft breathes reached his ear and he forced his hands to stop shaking.  
"I'm done," she whispered and when he turned around, she was standing directly behind him.  
"Boo," she chuckled as he winced.  
"Where do I sleep?" Tuomas asked and Tarja pointed at her bed.  
"It's big enough for both of us," she said gently and Tuomas swallowed.  
Sure, he had spent nights here already. But not next to her. Inside of her bed ...  
"That's my side," she said and laid down at the side close to the window. "Thanks for agreeing. He won't dare to break inside when he sees you."  
"You think? Maybe he'll kill me first." Tuomas tried to make it sound funny but the subject of killing had never been a joke to him. This way it only sounded sad.  
"Don't worry, he won't," Tarja said and pulled the blanket over her chest.  
"Well, good night" Tuomas mumbled and laid down too.  
"Good night ... thanks for this nice birthday," Tarja whispered and moved closer.  
Tuomas opened his eyes as he felt her hand on his chest.  
Her eyes were dark and he tried to figure out if it was because the room was dark of because she was horny. Tuomas hoped it wasn't the latter.  
"Tuo?"  
"Yes?"  
"Do you like me?"  
Tuomas studied her face. "What a stupid question," he whispered. "Of course I like you."  
Tarja was very close now.  
"I like you so much," she mumbled and stroke his eyebrow with one finger. "You're so beautiful and interesting... I missed you so much."  
"I'm not interesting," Tuomas whispered.   
"You're full of secrets," Tarja whispered back. "So mysterious ... I'd say you're very interesting." Her finger went lower, soon she was stroking his lips. "I wish you were with me. To protect me everyday."  
"I can do that if you want me to," Tuomas whispered and Tarja nodded.  
"I want you too ..."  
And then she kissed him.

Tuomas didn't react first. He was too shocked. She was kissing him, she was kissing him!!  
And because he didn't react, she pulled back.  
"I guess you don't like me in the same way ..." she said sadly, but Tuomas shook his head, pulling her back against him.  
This time he kissed her, softly and shyly, without any intention to deepen the kiss.   
For minutes they laid there, side by side, kissing chastely.  
But Tarja wanted more.  
She tried to deepen the kiss, licking his lips greedily. But Tuomas pulled away.  
"Tarja ..." he whispered. "Don't."  
"Sorry," Tarja mumbled and rubbed her nose against his. "I just want you ... don't you want me?"  
"I want you," Tuomas said. "But I want you in a slow way. Okay? You're too precious. I don't want this to be over soon."  
"I don't want this to be over at all," Tarja mumbled, but Tuomas didn't reply.  
He knew that she would leave him as soon as he found out about his past.

They didn't talk about their kiss. They didn't talk about anything from the previous day. Also they didn't kiss again the next day.  
Tuomas walked to his house early to feed Speedy and write a new letter. He put it on the ground in front of Tarja's house.  
And, as he had wanted, Tarja was shocked.

I have a dark secret. I want to tell you about it, but I'm scared. But now that you're not available anyway, I guess I can tell you.  
I killed someone, Tarja. I'm telling you because I trust you, I trust you with my life. And I think that never has anyone loved you like I do. I need you in my life but I know you'll never accept me and my secret.  
I'm sorry. Don't be angry for what I did. Also for the picture. Just look at yourself, Tarja ... you're so beautiful. I love you. I would never hurt you.

Tarja was even more scared now. She cuddled herself against Tuomas every night. She needed to know who her stalker was. She needed to know who had killed someone and spent nights at her house.  
Oh, if she only knew that this someone was still spending the nights at her house.  
Inside of her bed ...

The weeks went by and Tarja and Tuomas hadn't done more than chastely kissing. Everytime Tarja tried to deepen the kiss or touch him, he pushed her away.  
Tarja wanted more. She had fallen for him so hard, she didn't even care about his strange behaviour. Or his shyness. He was gentle, he was caring, he was handsome, he protected her from her stalker.  
There was nothing more she needed in her life.  
And one evening she had a plan.  
He had his back turned towards her again while she changed, but this time she undressed and didn't dress again.  
And she stepped closer.  
"I'm done," she said with a smile and Tuomas turned around.  
His eyes widened for a second and then he looked down, stared at his feet. "Why are you doing this?" he whispered.  
"Because I want you ..." Tarja said helplessly. "I'm so in love with you ..."  
"No ... no ..." Tuomas shook his head and covered his face in his palms. "Don't love me, Tarja. Don't love me ..."  
"Why not?" Tarja asked and pulled his hands away a aggressively. Almost forcing, she pressed his hands against her breasts, but he pulled away.  
"Because I'm not good for you," he said and stared at her.  
"Why do you think so?" Tarja asked loudly and let out a sob. "God, I thought you loved me too..."  
"I LOVE YOU!" Tuomas yelled and Tarja backed away. "I love you too much ... I will hurt you ..."  
"Why?" Tarja whimpered and stepped closer again. "Tuo ... talk to me..."  
Tuomas fought with his tears and then he looked at her.  
"I don't know how to love."  
"But you said you loved me," Tarja said helplessly and Tuomas sunk his eyes.  
"I don't know how to ... make love."  
Tarja didn't answer, but then she smiled. Of course. He had always been alone ... but why would this hurt her?  
"Can I show you?" she asked gently and he looked at her. Sadly.  
"No," he finally said. "You have a beautiful body, Tarja, and I'd love to ravish you. But that's not me. I'm not a lover. I'm so sorry."  
Tarja didn't answer. Hot tears were taking her sight. She was so embarrassed.  
"You don't love me," she choked.  
Tuomas shook his head. "I love you more than anything, but holding you everyday, knowing that you love me back, is enough for me."  
Tarja shook her head. "You don't want to sleep with me ... what kind of man are you?" She let out a sound that sounded half like a sob and half like a laugh.  
"Hm ... I guess I'm not a real man," Tuomas said with an apologetic smile.  
Tarja was still shaking her head. "So you're a virgin?"  
"No, I'm not," Tuomas said quietly. Very quietly.  
"Didn't you like the human contact?" she asked further.  
"No, I hated it," he said quietly.  
"Why, was she so bad?" Tarja chuckled.  
And Tuomas didn't answer.  
"Hey, what's wrong?" Tarja stroke his cheek. "I get it, you're not interested in sex. That's okay."  
"That's the problem, yes," Tuomas lied. The truth was, he could barely restrain himself from taking her right now. "Thanks for understanding."  
Tarja nodded. "So ... you're not even interested in kissing or touching me?"  
Tuomas chuckled.  
"I never said that," he mumbled and kissed her.  
She pulled him over to the bed while their lips were melted together, and he ended up being on top of her.  
"At least I want you to be naked too," Tarja whispered and Tuomas looked at her.  
*It's different.* he told himself. *It's not ... it's not him. It's her.*  
He started to undress himself as well, her eyes growing darker and soon they were busy kissing and caressing each other.  
Tuomas' lips went down between her breasts and up again, covering her lips.  
"You could easily just enter me now," Tarja whispered into his ear after some time. She had wrapped her legs around him to pull him close to her. "I can feel how hard you are."  
Tuomas pushed her back and sat up.  
"Understand that I can't," he said. He was rubbing his eyes and Tarja sat up as well, embracing him.  
"Do you want to talk about it? I trust you, Tuo. Please trust me too."  
And Tuomas looked at her. Of course he trusted her, why wouldn't he?  
"My mother died when I was a child," he whispered. "And ... my father, he ... he raped me. Me and my siblings."  
Tarja gasped and covered her mouth.  
She had expected everything.  
Everything - but not that.  
"Okay, you don't need to talk on," she mumbled and stroke his cheek.  
But Tuomas locked their eyes and started talking.


	5. Chapter 5

"I was ten when my mum died. She died from one second to the other, she was in a car accident. My brother was in it too, but he survived. And I think my dad never forgave him that he survived but my mother didn't... my brother, Petri, was sixteen, my sister, Susanna, was fourteen. He ..." Tuomas kneaded his hands and Tarja stroke his shoulder.  
"Shh..."  
"First he showed Petri how unhappy he was. He tried to rape him ... but Petri ran away. He was older than us and he had a girlfriend, he fled to her place and lived with her family. He didn't know what our father did with us, I think he never found out. I haven't heard from him ever since. He succeeded to escape ..." Tuomas was breathing hard.  
"Next one was my sister. Sussu... she ... she suffered the most. She got pregnant."  
"What?" Tarja whispered.  
"I remember when she told me. I was thirteen and she was seventeen. I was so shocked, I had no idea why it had happened. I didn't know what our father had did to her, I thought she, well - I simply thought she had slept with someone without protection. I remember that I scolded her for being so stupid. Sussu cried ... now I hate myself for scolding her."  
"What happened to the baby?"  
"Susanna got it and gave it away. Our father noticed that he couldn't go on to rape her, so he used me. Every day. Every ... fucking ... day. And that's why I can't get intimate with you."  
Tarja sobbed. "Why - how -?"  
"Why he did it? How he could do it?" Tuomas shook his head. "I don't know, Love. I don't know."  
Tarja hugged him.  
"Do you want to know more?" Tuomas suddenly said, his voice even quieter.   
"If you want to tell me ..." she whispered and placed her chin on his shoulder.  
Tuomas sighed. "I need to tell you sooner or later ... okay, let's lay down. This is very deep."  
They did, Tarja cuddling herself against his chest. He stroke her face.  
"My beauty ..."  
Tarja just looked at him. She couldn't believe what had happened to him.  
"I was eighteen. I came home from school one day and caught my father beating Susanna... once again. I was angry and pulled him away. I screamed at him, while Susanna cried. I told him I'd go to the police and grabbed sister, pulling her up. I yelled her her, told her we'd sue him. And then that we would run away ... suddenly my father took a plate and threw it on me. I laughed ... I was pumped with adrenaline. I took the frying pan and crashed it down on his head... he sunk together and his neck..." Tuomas stopped, sobbing quietly. "His neck hit the edge of the table and ... he - he was dead immediately..."  
Tarja was speechless.  
"I killed him, Tarja. I killed my father."  
"That's okay," Tarja said after a while, after realising that she really thought it was okay. "Shh... Tuomas, Love. Look what he has done to you. And to your sister ... it's horrible. You saved yourself and your sister. Don't hate yourself for it, okay?"  
Tuomas pulled away. "You're not scared of me?"  
"Of course not."  
"I'm a murderer."  
"And I love you," Tarja whispered and kissed him.  
Yes, she loved him.  
He was a murderer, a victim of rape.  
And she loved him more than anything.

The next day they woke up, strangely entwined with each other.  
They looked at each other and laughed before they freed themselves.   
"Morning," Tarja then whispered.  
Tuomas cupped her face and kissed her lips. "Good morning. You really want to stay with me?"  
"Of course," Tarja replied and kissed him back. "Why not?"  
Tuomas smiled.

He was happy.  
He couldn't be any happier.  
He had her, he had the love of his life. She was his. She wasn't afraid of him. She loved him back. She wanted him too.  
He jumped around inside of his house, not caring about Speedy, who was meowing loudly.  
"Don't be jealous, you'll always be my number one," he lied to the cat, who seemed calmed immediately. With her tail in the air and a loud purr, she rubbed her head against his leg.

Even though they were a couple now, the stalking didn't end. One could say it even got worse. Of course, in Tarja's eyes, after all she didn't know that her stalker was her beloved boyfriend.  
Tarja received pictures of herself while she was undressing, while she was doing it to herself, while she was cooking, singing, or doing the dishes. She always locked the door now and closed the curtains but she knew that her stalker had probably taken the pictures long before she and Tuomas had come together.  
She received more notes, more letters, and everyone of them ended with  
I love you. I will have you.

Tuomas noticed how scared she was but he couldn't stop.  
This way Tarja didn't want to go away anymore. She didn't dare to go out anymore, she never wanted to go shopping anymore. Then, when Tuomas went shopping for her, she locked herself in his house.  
And everytime he went back, he brought her a new letter.   
Tarja, the latest one said.  
I won't give you up. You're mine. I dream of you every night and I know that I will have you. You're mine.  
I love you. I will have you ...  
Your one and only.

"Who could this be?? Why does he do that??" Tarja cried into Tuomas' chest. "Why does he love me like that??"  
"Well I understand why he loves you," Tuomas said and kissed her head. "But this ..."  
"I'm so scared, baby. I don't want to leave tomorrow, what if he kills me?"  
"Do you want me to join?" Tuomas asked carefully. He didn't want to go to Turku with her, he really didn't want to. But for her he'd do everything.  
"No ... it's okay. I know you rather stay here."  
"I rather go with you," Tuomas said and caressed her cheek.  
Tarja kissed him gently.

So Tuomas left with Tarja.   
On their way to Turku, Tarja called her manager.  
"Could you book a new room? We're two now." She nodded. "Yes, I'm bringing my boyfriend along." She smiled at Tuomas and took his hand.  
Tuomas felt as if his heart was bursting.  
"And ... a ticket, please. First row."  
Tuomas' mouth went open. She wanted him to be in the first row during her concert?  
"So you can look after me," Tarja whispered and winked at him. "Please," Tarja went on with talking to her manager. "Ahhh, thank you, Janne. Love you. See you later."  
Janne.  
Tuomas' face fell.  
He hadn't known that her manager was a man ...

Janne was a handsome, tall man in his early thirties. He hugged Tarja for a felt hour and kissed her cheeks, way too close to her lips.  
Tuomas felt deep hatred for this man all of a sudden, and this hatred only got worse when Janne leaned in and grinned at Tuomas.   
"Janne Harkkinen."  
"Tuomas Holopainen," Tuomas grunted and looked after Tarja, who was walking away from her boyfriend and her manager to greet the other people from the staff.  
"She's good in bed isn't she?" Janne went on.  
"How do you know that?" Tuomas quickly asked.  
"Well ..." Janne wiggled his eyebrows and then he laughed. "She didn't tell you about me?"  
"We haven't been together for a long time," Tuomas explained and Janne nodded.  
"Ah, okay. I was her first boyfriend."  
"Her very first?" Tuomas asked.  
"Mhm. She was cute sixteen and I was twenty-one. I was in the soccer team of her brother Timo and she had a huge crush on me. I was her first and her second and her third ..." Janne laughed. "We had an on-off relationship for about six or seven years. Until she got adult and she noticed that she was looking for true love. Anyway - she's a good woman. Don't hurt her." Janne now stared at him.  
"I'd never," Tuomas said grumpily. "I love her."  
"So do I," Janne said, grinning again. "But she'd never start something serious with her manager. Well, it was nice to meet you ... Tuomas."  
The two men shook hands again and Janne went after Tarja.  
Tuomas stared after him, his whole body burning with hate.

You can flee. But you can't escape.  
Tarja breathed fast. Who had left this note in her purse?? What the heck -?!  
She looked around her dressing room, but of course no one was inside.  
Still breathing hard she stuffed the note back into her purse. She had to show Tuomas...  
The door went open.  
"Tarja, baby."  
"Janne," Tarja greeted her manager.   
"Tari, sweetheart, is this Tuomas really your boyfriend??"  
Tarja pursed her lips. "Why?"  
"He seems quite ... creepy."  
"He's not creepy," Tarja said. Why did she have to tell everyone??  
"Okay then - he's scary."  
Tarja rolled her eyes. "He's shy."  
"How old is he?" Janne's look was challenging.   
"Thirty-five, how old are you?" she shot back. "Listen, Janne, it doesn't matter how much older he is than I am. Or how scary he is ... I love him. And he loves me. And you are history."  
"It's not about me now," Janne insisted. "I know he loves you, he loves you too much. I think he looks like he wants to kill everyone who looks at you."  
Tarja didn't reply but the colour of her face slowly faded.  
"Go," she suddenly whispered.   
"Pardon?"  
"Go!" Tarja screamed. "I won't let you make jokes about him again. Leave, Janne. Now."  
Janne left and Tarja shut the door. Locked it.  
The words 'He looks like he wants to kill everyone who looks at you' wouldn't leave her mind. 

"Tarja! Get ready!" one of the crew screamed after her but she didn't want to listen.  
She needed to see him.  
"Let me go!" she barked at someone of the staff and ran outside of the building.  
He was sitting on a bench, waiting until the first people came to stand in a queue. Of course he didn't want anyone to know that he was Tarja's boyfriend.  
"Tuomas!" she shouted and he looked up, seeing her worried face come closer.  
"Hey, Love," he said surprised. "Shouldn't you get ready?"  
"I needed to see you," she said and her lips met his. After a gentle but longing kiss they pulled apart.  
"Why?" Tuomas chuckled. "What's wrong, baby?"  
"I know that you talked to Janne."  
"Oh. Yes. He's nice."  
"Don't pretend, Tuo. He's an asshole, I know he is. He cheated on me constantly."  
"I'll kill him," Tuomas mumbled and Tarja backed away.   
"Don't say that!" she gasped. "You know it's not funny. You -" she looked around. "You already killed -"  
"It was a joke," Tuomas said lightly. "But if you asked me to, I'd do it."  
"Sweet but - no. No, it's not sweet. Stop it, stop saying that..." Tarja tried to stay calm. "I love you, Tuo. And I don't want to lose you. So please don't kill anyone."  
Tuomas smiled sadly. So she was afraid of him ... he couldn't tell her that he was the stalker. She'd hate him. She would break up. Maybe she would sue him. Or she would tell the police about everything he had done, not only the letters and the pictures. She'd tell them that he had always watched her ... that he had killed his father ... that he had threatened to kill Janne...  
"I was really joking, baby."  
"I know." Tarja kissed him again. "Stay safe. Please." And before she turned around she gave him the note that her stalker had put into her purse.  
"A new note?"  
Tarja nodded. "Read."  
Tuomas did. "What does that mean, You can flee but you can't escape?"  
"Means he'll have me," Tarja said. "Maybe he's here?"  
"I don't think so," Tuomas said with a smile. "You're safe here."  
"I hope so," Tarja said gently.  
But back in the dressing room she found another message. It was hidden between a bunch of red roses.  
From your secret admirer ... but you know me already ;-)


	6. Chapter 6

The concert was a big success, as always.  
Again she received flowers and other presents, stuffed animals, love letters.  
Usually she read the letters but now she couldn't do this anymore. Not after those other letters ... the letters from her admirer. Her stalker.  
"Thank you sooo much," Tarja waved and sent kisses. "I love you, people. I love you a lot." She waved at her fans, who waved back.  
Then she looked at Tuomas, her heart swelling as she noticed the proudness and love in his face. He was clapping and smiling. She sent him a kiss.  
"Well ..." she said with a little chuckle. "This is not the end yet ... I have - I have a little surprise for you."  
Some cheers.  
Tarja laughed.  
"It's a new song and I'm going to tell you that I only wrote fifty percent of it. I wrote the melody. The text ... someone else wrote the text."  
"Ever Dream!" a fan screamed and Tuomas turned around, panicking.  
Ever Dream??  
"No, not this time. Not Ever Dream." Tarja said and Tuomas turned back to her. "Just listen and enjoy ..."  
She nodded at her bandmates and then the intro of her new song began - Beauty Of The Beast.   
"Trees have dropped their leaves, clouds their waters. All this burden is killing me"  
Tuomas' eyes widened. It was his text. Tarja had used his text for a song ... she had probably done the same with Ever Dream. And the best - she didn't know that it was written by him.  
"Distance is covering your way, tears your memory. All this beauty is killing me. Oh, do you care, I still feel for you! Oh, so aware, what should be lost is there!"  
Tuomas suddenly felt his eyes tearing up. She had really loved his poem so much that she had written a melody for it? A beautiful melody even ... and the way she was singing it ...  
Tuomas had fallen in love with her voice now too.  
"I fear I will never find anyone. I know my greatest pain is yet to come! Will we find each other in the dark? My long lost love ..."  
Tuomas was crying. He was crying ...  
Tarja didn't know whether to be shocked or honoured. Or worried ... she wished she could go down, pull him up from his chair and kiss him passionately. But she knew that he wanted to stay unknown. At least for the beginning ...  
Tarja decided to kiss him later - in the hotel room. Mindlessly.  
She sent him another kiss and he smiled. He didn't stop crying though.

He felt so embarrassed. He wiped his tears and left the venue earlier than anyone, without Tarja noticing.  
He went backstage, telling Janne that Tarja had sent him to get something for her. Janne only nodded and let him pass.  
In the dressing room he put another note on her mirror.   
You were beautiful tonight. Your new song left me in tears. And your voice ... I've never heard anything more angelic. You're an angel and your voice is right from heaven. But remember ... I will have you. Forever. I love you, Tarja. My girl. My only one, my reason to live. If you only knew how much I need you ...  
Probably she'd know after this. But he didn't care.

Tarja stared at the note before she pulled it off the mirror. He had been there. He was there. He probably waited for her outside. He had cried.  
... Tuomas had cried too.  
Tuomas had left earlier.  
"To put the note on my mirror..." Tarja whispered.  
For a few minutes she stood there and thought.   
If Tuomas was the stalker ...  
Her heart was racing.

Back in the hotel room she didn't tell Tuomas a word about the newest note or her suspicion. She kissed him mindlessly, just as she had promised herself.  
And the next day they went back, trying to pretend as if she was as happy as always - even though deep thoughts were keeping her busy.

At home Tuomas went to his house immediately - he missed his cat and he knew that she was hungry.  
"She has probably eaten my songs already," he chuckled and Tarja smiled weakly.  
"I'll lie down a little," she said and kissed his cheek. "Date tonight?"  
"Date tonight," he said and kissed her lips. "What do you wanna do?"  
"The usual. Kissing, cuddling," Tarja said and kissed him for a second time. "I'll come over."  
"Alright. I'll miss you." Tuomas said and stroke her jaw. "Your voice was ..."  
"Angelic?" Tarja grinned. Tuomas stared at her.  
"I - I wanted to say - b-beautiful," he stuttered and Tarja laughed, pecking his lips again.  
"See you later."  
Tuomas looked after her. Now did she know or didn't she??

Tarja busied herself with reading the letters. How could she have been so stupid?? Of course they had been by him, all of them. How could she have thought that the letters were from someone else, only because Tuomas had said he couldn't put words together to make them sound like something? Well, of course he hadn't bragged with his talent.  
Tarja suddenly felt ashamed, she was a song writer too. She had thought she was good, she had let him read her texts and he had praised them, now she had to find out that he wrote texts like Ever Dream and Beauty Of The Beast? And he had never told anyone ... what a waste. The world needed to know about him.

Tuomas wrote new songs and new poems. One of the new songs was so beautiful and filled with feelings that he called it "Tarja."  
Tarja, he wrote on top of the sheet and smiled down.  
Now he had a song called Tarja. He had written it for his love, for Tarja. He'd show her soon. But when was the right time? And when should her tell her that he had been the writer of those letters?

Nothing else happened for weeks. They didn't talk about anyone's past again, or about the letters.  
Tuomas had played his new song to Tarja and after Tarja had started to cry, he showed her the sheet.  
"I love you, I love you, I love you," Tarja had sobbed and kissed the older man.  
Tuomas had held her close, not able to believe his luck.  
Tarja had started to write a text to another song of Tuomas, but everytime her mind went back to Ever Dream. Not a poem was more perfect than this one.

One day Tarja went to the village to shop again. She had started to hate the people there, they still tried to tell her horror stories about Tuomas. Good that she knew the whole story now.  
One day she met Mattias inside of a metal shop.  
"Looking for corsets?" he whispered into her ear and Tarja swirled around, hiding the corset behind her back.  
"No! I have no idea what you're talking about."  
Mattias laughed. "I knew I'd meet you here. My rock chick." He winked at her and Tarja smiled.  
"Ah. Yeah. Busted. Do you think this could suit me?"  
"Well, try it on and show me." Mattias winked again.  
"Yeah. Matti. See, many things happened during the last weeks. I kinda ... I kinda have a boyfriend."  
"Of course you have, how couldn't you? I knew you were unattainable anyway. You're so different." Matti shrugged and Tarja was relieved. He seemed to be very understanding.  
But suddenly his eyes went wide. "It's Tuomas, isn't it?"  
Tarja opened her mouth to say no. But then she reminded herself that she shouldn't hide her relationship with him. If he found out, he could think she was ashamed of dating him.  
"Yes, Mattias. It is Tuomas. And before you say anything about him - I know everything about him. Everything. He's not dangerous."  
Mattias lifted his arms in defeat. "It's okay, Tarja. I never said he was, or did I?"  
Tarja thought for a while. "True. You never did."  
"I always hated the way people talked about him. But I admit, I was scared of him as well."  
"No one should be scared," Tarja said. "Many things have happened to him and those things pulled him down. He's just sad."  
"There's a concert tomorrow," Mattias suddenly said. "An annual concert of the music band. I'm playing clarinet ... bring him too."  
"He won't come with me."  
"Tell him he's invited," Mattias said. "I'm inviting you two, okay? And this way everyone can see how much you love each other. Maybe that will help to make him more social."  
"I'll try," Tarja said and hugged Mattias. "Thank you so much. And I think I'll buy that corset."  
Mattias looked at the corset again and grinned. "Oh yes, buy it."

This time Tarja wrote a letter. A little note, to be more specific.   
Wanna come over tonight? xo   
It said.  
Tuomas smiled as he read the note and looked out of the kitchen window. She was still standing in front of his door.  
"I'll be there," he shouted and she winced.  
"You startled me!" she laughed and went over to him, kissing his lips. "Can't wait. Love you."  
"Love you too," Tuomas said gently when she turned around.  
He was sure that he didn't deserve her. 

He entered her house. She didn't lock anymore ever since they had become a couple.  
"Tari?" Tuomas shouted gently.  
"Bedroom!" came her voice and Tuomas smiled. She was really needy... he really wished he could fulfill her needs.  
He went into the bedroom and swallowed hard.  
There she was, his goddess, his queen.  
She was wearing a red corset ... it was tight and pushed her breasts up.  
"I bought that today," Tarja purred. "Like it?"  
Tuomas nodded and went closer. "Tarja ... you're the most beautiful creature existing ..." he breathed. "I'm speechless. Stunned because of your beauty... not able to believe that you're mine ..."  
"Oh, Tuomas," Tarja whispered and stood up. "I'm not fully yours yet."  
The words lingered in the air for a few seconds, until Tuomas looked away.  
"I can't..."  
"You can!" Tarja whispered. "You said you loved me. It's different, Tuomas. I know you want to, but why would you want to but be unable to do it? I know you can, I know how erected you get when we kiss. What's keeping you from it?"  
"The memories," Tuomas whispered and Tarja shook her head.  
"I promise that all those memories will be forgotten while it's happening. Have you ever had sex because of lust or love?"  
"No." Tuomas said without hesitating.   
"I did. And let me tell you ... in this very moment you can't think of anything else but the pleasure. I promise."  
"Tari," Tuomas whispered and cupped her face. "Tari, Tari, Tari ... again, how do I deserve you?"  
Tarja smiled.  
"Shut up and make love to me," she begged and pulled him down into a searing kiss.

Tuomas was shy. Of course she had expected him to be shy, but he was even more shy than she had expected him to be. He slowly opened her corset, almost too slow. But once he had removed it, his lips were everywhere. She already knew how much he loved her boobs, he kissed them every night. And this time he went even lower, until her navel.  
"You can go lower too," Tarja whispered and bucked her hips up and he looked at her.  
"I've never done this ..."  
"I know, baby," Tarja said gently. "I know. It's nothing bad. There's a first time for everything."  
"I love you so much," Tuomas sighed and hovered over her. "But it's too early ..."  
"No, baby," Tarja whispered. "Let me help you ..." She took his hand, parted her legs and guided his hand and along her entry.  
Tuomas gasped. "You're wet ..."  
"Of course I am," Tarja purred. "Don't you want to taste?"  
"I don't know," Tuomas whispered. "Do I?"  
Tarja laughed and nodded, before she inserted her own finger into her wetness. With a small blush she brought it up to his lips.  
"Taste..."  
He did and kissed her afterwards. "Lean back and enjoy," he whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

He parted her legs, her smell making him dizzy immediately. He couldn't see much, it was darker already, but what he saw was enough. Wetness. Loads of wetness...  
He trailed his finger along her entry, making her escape a little breath.  
"My beauty," Tuomas whispered and dipped a finger into her.  
"Yes..." Tarja whispered and parted her legs more for him. "Please ... take me..."  
Tuomas was speechless. Truth be told, he had never thought he'd sleep with a woman. He had never thought he'd ever sleep with someone after everything that happened.  
His lips travelled down, leaving a wet path down her stomach.  
And then he reached her abdomen.  
"God you're so aroused," he mumbled and rubbed his index finger against her clit, playing with it gently.  
It made Tarja go crazy, she grabbed the pillow, the sheets, she screamed and quivered under him. He looked up and realised that her while skin was covered with goosebumps, her nipples and breasts were hard. Tuomas carefully touched them, but only another aroused moan escaped her lips.  
"Tari..." he whispered and hovered over her again.  
"What's wrong, baby?" She caressed his face.  
"I don't know... I... I'm just stunned by how sexy you are ..." he swallowed but Tarja laughed.  
"Touch me," she whispered and guided his hand to her left breast. "See? Doesn't hurt. You've done that already."  
Tuomas looked at her pink nipple. How could it be so hard??  
"You can take it in your mouth," Tarja whispered and stretched her back. "Please... I need you so madly."  
Tuomas nodded and carefully kissed the erected flesh, carefully licked over it, carefully put it between his lips and started sucking.  
Tarja moaned quietly. "Yes..." she mumbled as his hand travelled over her entry again. "Yes, Tuomas. Just ... just insert a finger. It's okay."  
Tuomas did as she said and Tarja breathed.  
"That's good. You've been there already, Tuo. Now insert a second finger ..."  
"A second?" Tuomas mumbled but then he remembered that two fingers were nothing against what she had had between her thighs already. He tried not to think about it and entered her with a second finger, while his thumb was pressed against her (very swollen) clit.  
"Tarja ..." he breathed quietly. Being hard wasn't new for him but this time ... he was throbbing with need. He could feel her warmth close to his erection and it made him go crazy.  
"Yes, Love?" Tarja whispered and Tuomas hid his face in the nape of her neck, breathing,  
"I want you so bad..."  
"You're so close to taking me, why don't you just do it..." Tarja whispered and stroke his back. "I love you, baby. I love you and I will never hurt you. Or use you. Look at me, please ..."  
Tuomas pulled back and looked at his beloved.  
"You're giving me more than I ever thought I'd deserve," he mumbled and Tarja smiled.  
"Same here. I know how much you love me."  
"I do," Tuomas whispered. "B-but before I'm... I'm taking you... Tarja, I need to tell you something else."  
Tarja's eyes grew wide. He had another secret?  
"Tell me. You can tell me everything, sweetheart." Tarja stroke his hair behind his ears.  
"I'm... I'm..." He avoided her eyes. "Tarja, I am your stalker ..."  
Tarja didn't answer, she was too relieved that she had been right with her suspicion.  
Now Tuomas looked at her. "I broke into your house. I watched you sleep. I took pictures of you. I watched you through your window... I'm so sorry but I fell in love with you the first time I saw you ... I'm so sorry, I couldn't live without you. I needed to have you!" His voice was desperate.  
"But you have me," Tarja said gently.  
Tuomas looked at her, confused. "I ... I just told you that I'm your stalker ... I made you panic..."  
"I've already known for a few days," Tarja said. "Sorry that I didn't tell you."  
"No, sorry that I didn't -" Tuomas started and the pulled away. "You've known for a few days?"  
"Or weeks," Tarja corrected herself. "Your little note at my mirror in Turku was pretty clear."  
"I don't understand," Tuomas said slowly, his hands shaking. "I ... I stalked you. I took pictures of you when you undressed or ..." He swallowed. "You were scared to death! You don't mind that I scared you to death?"  
"Well, it started pretty innocent," Tarja said. "Lines of poetry, some soft love declarations ... as you know I thought it wasn't you. Then it got deeper, more intimate, he ... you told me secrets, you said you would have me, ..."  
"Yes," Tuomas whispered, avoiding her eyes.  
"Hey," Tarja said gently. "Can't you tell how relieved I am?"  
"Relieved...?"  
"I love you, baby. I love you and that's why I'm so, so relieved that it's you. If it was another man, I'd still be scared. About him killing me, you or himself. This way I can be sure that you'll stay with me. I know you'll stay with me because of all those thing you've said ... you've told me. Sure, it was the wrong way and I was really, really scared but in the end they were just love letters. Right?"  
"Yes, kind of," Tuomas mumbled. How had he deserved a woman like her? A woman so perfect and understanding ... a woman so forgiving?  
"You'd never cheat on me, right?" Tarja asked quietly.  
"Never!" Tuomas immediately called and Tarja stroke his face.  
"That's what I wanted to hear. Now make love to me, my creepy stalker." She laughed.  
Tuomas settled himself between her legs again. "How?" he whispered while he reached down to part her, making her ready for his enter.  
"How what, love?"  
"How do I deserve someone like you? So much luck?"  
"Are you kidding? You deserve every luck in this world after what happened to you!" Tarja called and pulled him close. "Make me yours ... please ..."  
And he did.  
He took a breath and sunk himself into her. And it was better than he had imagined.  
She was so tight around him, but her wetness made it easy to push himself back and fourth.  
Tarja moaned quietly.  
"Does it ... does it hurt?" Tuomas whispered shyly, but Tarja shook her head.  
"It doesn't hurt, Tuo. It feels - oh God... it feels amazing ..."  
"Really?" Tuomas trailed his lips along her throat.  
"Really but ... go faster. Please." Tarja grinned. "You won't hurt me, believe me."  
He took her waist and waited for a while.  
"Tuo?"  
"Yes, I'm... I'm okay," he mumbled. She had been right, there was no memory. Only lust and longing ...  
He bent down and kissed the small mole on her chest before he increased the speed.  
Her breaths got faster and she tightened her legs around him, causing him to increase the speed even more.  
Tuomas felt like flying.  
Not only he was making love, making love! Also he was making love to the love of his life, to his one and only.  
And his one and only seemed to enjoy it, her cheeks were red and sweat was running down her face. Her lips were parted and her eyes closed. A small sigh escaped her every now and then.  
"Tuomas ..."  
Tuomas buried his face in her chest. He inhaled her sweet scent, kissed her beautiful skin. He couldn't believe he was really doing it. Out of love. Out of love. She hadn't forced him, she had let him decide. And of course he had wanted, he had wanted so madly. And this was right, oh it was so right ...  
"Tuo..." Tarja breathed again. She was tight around him and he pulled back again.  
"Does it hurt, baby?"  
"No!" Tarja breathed, digging her nails into his shoulders. "No, it doesn't hurt!!"  
Her voice was shrill and loud and her eyes were ripped open.  
"Then what? What's wrong?" Tuomas asked desperately and already wanted to stop as she screamed.  
"I AM - I AM SO CLOSE!" Her nails left crescent shaped marks on his skin.  
Tuomas was speechless. She was really that close? She was really -?  
His question got answered by Tarja herself, who was now stretching her legs, her limbs twitching.  
"Baby?" Tuomas mumbled against her lips and with the next push he made, she came.  
Her scream was deafening and he pulled away to watch her; her body was squirming and her skin was covered with goosebumps. Her face was red and sweaty but she looked beautiful, she looked so beautiful.  
He could feel the spasms that went through her body, could feel them around him.  
"Tarja..." he moaned and leaned his head back.  
"Yes - cum - with me!" Tarja screamed and dug her nails into his shoulders once again. "Cum..."  
Tuomas came when she allowed him to, joining her in the river of lust. Together they flew, together they came down. And Tuomas buried his face in her chest again, breathing calmly.  
"I love you ..."  
Tarja smiled. 

Tarja woke up before her lover. The sun was shining at him though her window. With his eyes closed and that happy smile he looked so much younger.  
Tarja smiled too, her heart swelling. This beautiful man was hers. And she was completely his now, completely. 

"Wake uuup..."  
She was the first thing he saw when he woke up. Sure, she had been the first thing he had seen for the last weeks, but this time it was different.  
"I must be in heaven ..."  
She was glowing.  
He wanted to reach up to caress her cheek, but he couldn't lift his arm. Tarja had placed a tray on his stomach. "Open your mouth, lover," she said gently.  
"Breakfast in bed? Is it my birthday?"  
"No but I want to spoil my man a little after an eventful night like last night."  
"You really still want me?" Tuomas looked at her with doubt. "You're not angry at me or ... do you want to poison me?" He eyed the breakfast suspiciously.  
"Don't you trust me?" Tarja asked coldly.  
"Yes, of course," Tuomas said quickly and opened his mouth.  
Tarja fed him, while he was only watching her. Her calm features. Her beautiful facial shape... she was so young and innocent.  
Okay, after what Janne had told him she wasn't that innocent.  
"You were amazing last night," Tarja suddenly said and looked at him. "I think you should know."  
"Well, I thought so. You came ..."  
"You did too ..."  
"Of course I did."  
They locked eyes again.  
"So," Tarja continued. "I've been thinking. Our relationship is pretty serious now. Wouldn't you say so too?"  
"I've definitely would say so," Tuomas replied with a smile.  
"Great. Cause I only want to be with you." She took a deep breath. "And I... I want you to escort me somewhere again. And this time we'll... we'll show our relationship."  
Tuomas' smile slowly faded. "Where?"  
"Only the village," Tarja said. "There's a music concert tonight and Mattias invited us."  
"Us? Me too?"  
Tarja couldn't identify his mood. He wore a perfect poker face.  
"Yes. He said that you and I could come. It's only the village, Tuo. None of my fans will know you as my boyfriend yet. Please ..."  
"They hate me." Now he seemed desperate.  
"But they love me. And when I'm bringing you ... besides that, I have the feeling that Mattias will talk to you as well. He seems pretty okay, really. And so is Emilia, she's a good friend of mine. She'll accept you. If they don't accept you, I'll gladly kiss them goodbye. And if the whole fucking village won't accept you, we'll move. We'll move somewhere nobody knows us, only you and I. For the beginning." Tarja's cheeks were red as she finished. She grabbed his hand and Tuomas smiled.  
Only you and I. For the beginning.  
"Okay," he whispered and Tarja kissed him. Her gentle hands ran over his chest and Tuomas still couldn't believe it.  
"And -" he pushed her back gently. "You really don't mind that I watched you?"  
"Nope. I'm even glad. Hell, what if a stranger watched me masturbate? And now you know that I've always done it after we did something together."  
"Really?" Tuomas asked stunned but Tarja only kissed him again.  
She couldn't be any happier...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys and sorry for not updating Hold You In My Arms yesterday. I think you'll have to wait until next week ._.  
> Anyway, please leave good reviews here xx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm so very very sorry. I know Saturday is HYIMA-day but I just haven't had the strength to go on. Also with Awakening and Secret Letters - there are days I'm capable of writing 3 to 5 chapters and then there are days... weeks ... I can't do anything. Give me two more weeks and I will update again. It's just - I'm working 40 hours a week, means 8 hours everyday, and then I have a social life too - I have no time to write. That's why no daily updates - people asked me for that too ... like, seriously?! :D  
> Anyway... I hope you like this chapter, it may be confusing and ... something might happen fast but it's just my way of jumping over a long time line.   
> Enjoy ❤

'The constant longing for your touch, this bitter ocean of hatred and pain - this loneliness I need to be who I am.  
The oceans are alone as I, somebody take away this gift of mine. No charisma for the beast, but still I love you forevermore!'  
"This is so beautiful." Tarja stroke his cheek. "When did you write this?"  
"Yesterday before I came over. I didn't know what was waiting for me."  
"Me in a corset?"  
"Exactly." Tuomas caressed her back. "And what happened after..."  
Tarja pecked his lips. "You ready?"  
"No," Tuomas mumbled and Tarja laughed.  
"But I am. Come with me." She grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the house and to his boat, which was bigger than hers and more likely to carry two people.  
She was wearing her traditional dress, Mattias had asked her to. Tuomas didn't have a traditional costume, so he came in his usual clothing, jeans and a black shirt.  
He couldn't hide his nervousness, so Tarja noticed. But when they arrived in the central area of the village, the concert had already started and no one was paying attention to them.  
They sat down far away from the stage.  
"Can we take a place here?" Tarja asked the older lady, who first eyed them and then nodded.  
"Come, baby," Tarja said and pulled him to the bench. "Do you want something to eat?"  
"No, it's okay," Tuomas mumbled. "Stay with me."  
So Tarja didn't walk away until the first break. They applauded and Tarja took Tuomas' hand. "Now," she said and pulled him away.  
"Now what?" he asked nervously.  
"Emmi!! Hi!" Tarja called and embraced her friend. "Olli! Maritta!"  
"Mattias is good, isn't he?" Maritta asked and hugged Tarja back.  
"Yes! His cello solo, amazing. Hey, do you know if the band needs a pianist?"  
"I don't know, why?" Emilia asked.   
Tuomas knew why.  
"Because Tuo can play the piano pretty good. Don't you, love?"  
"Yeah, I guess ..." Tuomas muttered.  
"He's so modest! His skills are amazing." She took his hand and he smiled.  
"Really? You should ask Pentti, he's the leader."  
"Great!" Tarja said. "Who is Pentti?"  
"I'll bring you to him," Olli offered and grinned at Tuomas.  
"I'm Olli Johansson."  
"Tuomas Holopainen," Tuomas replied and then he looked back to his girlfriend. "I don't need to join the band."  
"But I want you to be a part of them," Tarja whispered. "You could make a lot of friends -"  
"But I don't want to go to Pentti and ask if I could join," Tuomas mumbled.  
Tarja sighed. "Why not, baby? Do you know him?"  
"No but ... see, my father was called Pentti too ..."  
"Ohh," Tarja mumbled and looked back at her friends. "It's okay. We're probably going to move anyway."  
"What?" Emilia asked. "Where to?"  
"Back to Finland," Tarja said. "Maybe we'll have a family soon ... and besides that, no one likes him here. I don't want to stay somewhere where no one accepts him."  
"I understand that," Emilia asked. "Can I talk to you for a second?"  
Tuomas grip around Tarja's hand tightened.  
"It's okay," Tarja tried to calm him. "I'll be back soon." She kissed him and he let go.

"Are you pregnant??" Emilia asked as soon as they were far away.  
"No," Tarja said. "But would it be that absurd?"  
"No, not at all," Emilia said. "But ... he's still so creepy. I mean he's nice and I can see that he loves you ... no. Tarja, he looks obsessed with you. Don't turn around now but he's staring at you from over there."  
"Obsessed with me?" Tarja asked.  
"Yes, totally! When he looks at you he seriously looks like ... like he'd do everything to make you happy. It's surely romantic in a way but this is just creepy."  
"What if I told you that ... he has some problems?"  
"I'd immediately believe you. Can I know about them?"  
"Sorry but no... see, they're really private. He has gone through really, really bad stuff. He had troubles with telling me alone already."  
"Really that bad?" Emilia asked and Tarja nodded.  
"He suffered a lot. And I just want to turn his life into a better."  
Emilia smiled. "You already did."

Tuomas threw looks at Tarja and Emilia all the time, not caring about Olli and Maritta, who tried to talk to him.  
He didn't want to be friends with them. He didn't need anyone else but Tarja.   
After a while Tarja turned around and smiled at him.  
"How can she love him?" he heard Maritta whisper.  
"True, she's too beautiful. She deserves better."  
Tuomas couldn't care less.

The only one who was really nice to Tuomas was Mattias. Maybe it was the fact that he was older than the gang, only five years but there were worlds between twenty-five and thirty.  
Mattias seemed pretty interested in Tuomas' profession and also asked him about his drawings, after Tarja mentioned them.  
"They're nothing special," Tuomas said.  
"He's modest," Tarja explained again. "He has done drawings of me and I swear, they look like edited pictures of me."  
"And did you like that corset from yesterday?" Mattias suddenly asked and Tuomas paled visibly.  
"Matti ..." Tarja mumbled. "We met at the metal store in Mariehamn. Well, he caught me looking at corsets ..."  
Again Tuomas was jealous. Of course. His woman was the most gorgeous creature existing, he'd always have a reason to be jealous.  
"Tuo ..." Tarja sighed and took his hand, continuing in Finnish. "Don't look like that. We didn't meet on purpose."  
He didn't answer.  
"I would have told you!" Tarja said.  
Mattias just looked at them.  
"Excuse me," Tuomas suddenly said, stood up and walked away.  
"You had to mention that, didn't you!" Tarja hissed.  
"I just wanted to test him! He doesn't trust you, Tarja."  
"He trusts me!" Tarja called back and ran after Tuomas. 

They were on their way back home.  
Tarja's eyes were swollen and red. See had cried during the last hour. They hadn't fought, they had just talked. But now she understood what Tuomas felt. She had already known that he was obsessed with her but this ... she couldn't even talk with other men. She had seen his look after he had talked to Janne.  
"Sorry," Tuomas said quietly.  
"Don't," Tarja whispered.  
"No, really -"  
"Tuomas. Would you stop being jealous if we married?"  
Tuomas looked into her swollen eyes, his heart skipping beats.  
"You want to marry me?"  
"I want to marry you," Tarja said and wiped her eyes. "Do you want to marry me as well?"  
Tuomas nodded, not able to say a single word.

He was taking her in the water.  
It was cold, pretty cold, but the Finns couldn't care less.  
They had gone skinny dipping at the shore, they had kissed, and eventually the kiss had grown deeper. More intimate. They had touched each other in a private way. And she had wrapped her legs around him, spreading herself for him. And he had pushed into her, taking her away into a world of lust, created by them and only for themselves ...

The wedding took place a month later. Only friends and family were invited, which meant that the ceremony was really small. Tuomas whether had friends nor a family, so the only guests were Tarja's parents and her brothers, and Tarja's two best friends as bridesmaids.  
And the pastor, a friend of Tarja's family.  
They were standing on the wooden pier where Tuomas had saved Tarja once, a perfect place to get wedded.  
The water was frozen already and it had started to snow, but neither of the newly married couple noticed the coldness as they were wrapped in an embrace and a deep kiss.

"He's so creepy," Sirja told Tarja after the wedding.  
"How can you? He's my husband!" Tarja glared at her best friend.  
"Yes but ... you vanish and half a year later you tell us you're engaged! I thought maybe he was your true love but -"  
"Siri, he is my true love," Tarja insisted. "And he's not creepy. He's just ... he had a hard life."  
Sirja watched Tuomas, who was obviously looking for his wife.  
His wife...  
"Are you pregnant?"  
"Not yet." Tarja's smile was broad. "Siri, why don't you understand that he's my one and only?"  
"I'll leave you, I'll leave you." Sirja sighed. "Go and dance with your husband."

She was breathtaking. Tuomas couldn't stop staring at her, at his wife.   
(Edit by me, give credits if you use it)

￼

"Sorry but I have to undress you," he mumbled while he ran his hands up and down her waist.  
"That's more than okay," Tarja said gently. "It's our wedding night after all."  
"Remember we're not alone on the island tonight," Tuomas reminded her. "Don't scream like you usually do."  
"I'm screaming as much I want to," Tarja said with a pout. "It's my wedding night. Shall they see you're giving me pleasure."  
"Your family also doesn't like me," Tuomas suddenly sighed and Tarja shook her head.  
"That's nonsense."  
"No, Tari. They're staring at me the same way as the villagers. They want to protect you."  
"They should understand that you're protecting me more than anyone else does."  
The couple locked their eyes again.  
"I do?"  
"Sure you do ..." Tarja ran her hand over his chest while Tuomas brought his hands around her to open her dress.  
"Tarja Holopainen," he mumbled into her skin and Tarja kissed his temple.  
"Take me, husband."

Tarja's screams were heard over the whole island. Well of course, the island wasn't big after all. But the whole Turunen family needed to cover their ears, they certainly didn't want to hear every detail. But Tarja was a singer and her organ was astounding. So her screams were heard clearly and loud.

Tarja was walking along the shore alone.  
The wind was blowing hair out of her face and the dress was fluttering around her feet.  
He had given her another letter.  
'Dear Tarja. My wife. My one and only. I finally have you. Didn't I tell you that I would have you? Now I do. I promise, I will never hurt you or do something else you won't like. Baby, I love you more than anything. I'll protect you forever. I will keep an eye for you forever. Even both eyes. I will never let you go ...'  
Tarja bit her lip. It was too much. It was simply too much...  
'I'm so happy now. Happy. Because of you. You're all I need. Nothing else in life ...'  
He seemed to be obsessed with her, even though she was his wife now.   
'And now that you're my wife ... I'll never let you go again.'  
Tarja let the letter sink.  
Had they been right? Had Emilia been right? Had Janne been right? Had Sirja been right?  
Yes, she loved him ... she loved him more than anything. But this was ...  
"Too much." Tarja slowly teared the letter apart.  
She threw the pieces into the lake. She never wanted to see the letter again.

It felt so innocent, a childish game: lines of poetry without a name. Waves of paranoia washed upon the page and soon obsession turned to rage.  
Tarja was writing as if a muse had kissed her. The words were flowing out of her pen.  
Why do you love me? Why do you want to hurt me?  
500 letters from a stranger at my door  
500 weapons I can't take it anymore  
500 letters, words like scars no one can see  
500 secrets, slowly killing me...  
"What are you writing?"  
Tarja looked up as her husband entered the bedroom. Her hair was messy and her face was red.  
"A new song!" she replied. "I swear, a muse kissed me. The words are flowing!"  
"Well ... I kissed you last night." Tuomas' shy smile made her laugh.  
"Yeah ... then you must be my muse."  
"You took a walk this morning?"  
Tarja nodded. "I needed to get some fresh air. Last night was... wow."  
"Same here." Tuomas smiled. "Your family and friends want to come over for breakfast."  
Tarja jumped up. "Seriously?"  
"Yes. I already prepared everything. They're waiting."  
"Oh f - I need to change."  
Tuomas chuckled and left the bedroom.  
And Tarja hid the sheet of paper. She wasn't done yet and she didn't want Tuomas to find the song.  
She hid the song somewhere she hoped he'd never look inside - her booklet, which was kind of a diary. She didn't want him to see the song. Not yet.


	9. Chapter 9

Tarja breathed in. And out.   
"Are you okay?"  
She turned around and smiled at Janne.  
"Yeah I'm just ... nervous. It's sold out, Janne. Sold out!"  
"I know!" Janne grinned from one ear to the other. "You're becoming more and more famous."  
"Thanks to you." Tarja massaged her stomach. "I feel sick."  
"Do you want something? Salt sticks?"  
"No, thanks. If I eat something now I'll vomit."  
"Okay. Just tell me if you need some -"  
"Tuomas," Tarja insisted and Janne nodded, walking away to look for the singer's husband.

"Tari?"  
"Oh, baby ..." Tarja pressed her husband against the door as soon as he had closed it.   
"Are you okay?" he asked. "Janne said you're feeling sick."  
"I'm just nervous," Tarja breathed. "Fuck me."  
"What?" Tuomas chuckled.  
"Fuck your wife," Tarja said. "We have enough time left ... I need you, babe."  
"Okay, okay ..." Tuomas said and led her to the little couch gently. "Shhh ..." He caressed her jaw.  
"Quick ..." Tarja mumbled and pulled him close. "Quick, Tuomas ..."  
She pressed her lips on his, wrapped her arms around him.   
"Tari, what's wrong?"  
Tarja pulled back. "Why? I need my husband."  
"Why does your kiss feel so needy? Usually you're gentle and not that... forcing."  
"I'm needy because I need you," Tarja mumbled and wanted to capture his lips again.  
"You said you felt sick. I'm worried about you."  
"Don't be," Tarja said gently. "I'm fine. Now..."  
Knock knock. "Tarja? You ready?"  
"No!" Tarja shouted back. "Take me, Tuomas," she then whispered but Tuomas stood up, walked to the door and let Janne inside.   
The two men had buried their hate during the last months; they still didn't like each other but one could say they came along pretty good.   
"She's alright," Tuomas let the manager know and the younger man nodded.  
"Tarja? Your fans are waiting. And so is your band."  
"But -"  
"Later, Tari. I promise." Tuomas smiled at his wife, who stood up with a loud sigh.  
"Fine."

Tarja waved her fans, as always. "Thank you, oh my God. Thank you sooo much! I love you! Sold out, are you serious?" She laughed and bent down to take a present from one of her fans. "Thank you ... That's so cute!" She opened the bag to peek inside, a teddy bear and a letter.  
Another letter...  
She smiled. "Thanks... well, I think it's time for a new surprise. I wrote a new song and tonight will be the time I'm going to sing it for the first time." She smiled at her band. "Hit it!"  
And while she looked at Tuomas, only at Tuomas, she started singing.   
"500 letters from a stranger at my door..."  
While she was singing, the realisation seemed to hit Tuomas. That she still felt stalked by the letters. That it maybe was too much for her.  
Was she asking him why he loved her? Why he wanted to hurt her?  
Maybe he had overacted. Maybe she didn't think of it as romantic anymore.  
"I can't escape the way I feel inside -"  
Suddenly Tarja stopped singing.  
Her face was green. Tuomas stared at her while she turned around, grabbed the bag she had gotten from the fan, threw a teddy bear and a letter out of it and emptied her stomach into it. 

It was completely quiet in the whole concert hall. Only the sounds of retching was heard, some of the fans covered their ears. Finally Max moved, he pointed at Tarja and soon he and Christian were leading her behind the stage. Alex grabbed the microphone.   
"Sorry ... Tarja has already told us that she felt sick. I think she'll be back soon."  
And then him, Kevin and Tim started a show without the other band members, with only electric guitar, drums and bass.

"It's okay, Tarja. It's okay."  
Max was sweet but he didn't quite know how to help her.  
"Tuo-mas," Tarja pressed out and lifted her head. Her eyes were filled with tears.  
"He's coming," Janne informed her. "He called the doctor."  
"No," Tarja moaned. "I need to ... go on the stage ..."  
"The concert is over," Janne insisted. "It would have been over soon, anyway. Your fans will understand."  
"You're despicable," Tarja muttered. "Tuo!"  
"Tari, love, how are you?"  
Tuomas' face was white.  
"I'm fine, tell Janne I'm going on stage again."  
But Tuomas shook his head. "You definitely won't! You just vomited! Maybe you have a stomach flu!"  
Tarja groaned again. "No! I feel fine! I was just nervous, that's all."  
"Mr Holopainen? The doctor arrived."  
"Thanks, Jarkko." Tuomas nodded at one of the roadies. "Come, baby."

Tarja was furious. She had never interrupted a concert before, never. Not even three years ago when she had fever. She had been sitting all the time and singing with her last strength.   
She glared at Tuomas, who was holding her hand while the doctor took some blood from her.  
"I need your urine too," he said and Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"Fine. Let go of me, Tuomas."  
"I won't leave you alone," Tuomas said quietly, carefully eyeing the doctor.  
"Tuomas ..." Tarja whispered quietly but determined. "That song ... 500 Letters... it was directed to you."  
"I know," Tuomas breathed and sunk his head. Slowly he let go of her hand and Tarja grabbed a plastic cup and walked outside the dressing room.

She came back two minutes later, giving the cup to the doctor.  
"Thanks. Now, Tarja. What did you eat today?"  
"Seriously?" Tarja sat down and started thinking. "Good God, I was hungry today. Ehm ... in the morning I ate two rolls with Nutella, a cup of cornflakes and a cup of coffee. Black, if that's important. Then -  
Tuomas stopped listening at some point. He couldn't stop thinking about her song ...  
"Why do you love me? Why do you want to hurt me?"  
Had he hurt her?  
Was she telling him to stop loving him?  
But... they were married! What could that mean?  
Tuomas was desperate.  
"Maybe you should turn your consume of coffee down," the doctor chuckled.  
"Why? I - I only drink three cups a day, that's not much!"  
"It's not but see. The laboratory just sent the blood test back - your hCG hormone is heightened."  
"HCG ...?" Tarja asked quietly. "Is that bad?"  
Tuomas mouth fell open. "What?" he whispered, gripping Tarja's hand again.  
"It's not bad, Mrs Turunen," the doctor laughed. "It means -"  
"It means you're pregnant," Tuomas said.  
"What?" Tarja whispered and stared at the doctor, who nodded.  
"Exactly. According to the amount of your hCG hormones, you're in the third week."  
"Only?" Tarja whispered. Suddenly it seemed as if she had lost her voice.  
"Yes. You're only in your first month. Congratulations!" The doctor beamed at the rather shocked couple. "Should I... leave you alone for a while?"  
"That'd be great," Tuomas said with an apologetic smile and the doctor left them alone in the dressing room.

Silence.   
The news first had to sink in.  
"Are you ... disappointed or sad?" Tuomas carefully asked.   
"No ... I'm surprised," Tarja answered. "I mean I haven't expected that. I'm still on birth control and ... it's so early! But no... I'm not sad. Are you?"  
"Not at all." Tuomas smiled gently. "I'm also surprised, I've never thought I'd ever have a baby -"  
"This is wonderful," Tarja interrupted him. "A baby, Tuo! Our baby!"  
"Yes." Tuomas hugged her. "I guess you can stop taking the pill."  
Tarja laughed. "I wonder why it didn't work."  
Tuomas chuckled and kissed her temple, whispering, "I'm better than chemicals."  
"I guess you are."  
Tuomas kissed his wife. "I can't believe this is happening... we're becoming parents."  
Tarja kissed him too. "Yeah ..."

But along happiness there was sadness. The pregnancy wasn't easy, Tarja suffered from horrible pains and cramps the bigger her belly got.  
Tuomas was wonderful, helped her with everything he could.  
One day Tarja was surfing through the Internet, checking pages where other women had written their horror stories. There were women who had suffered even more, and they and their babies were healthy. There were women who had had pregnancy diabetes, women who had vomited the whole day, ...  
Tarja was glad that it wasn't worse and this way she could live with the pains.  
With a sigh she closed the tab and opened another one, her Facebook page. She rubbed her belly as she scrolled through the comments, which were congratulating her to her pregnancy and wishing her good luck.  
And then she saw it.  
It was a comment by a woman and the woman was called Susanna Holopainen.   
"Susanna ..." Tarja mumbled and clicked on the profile. She was blonde, around 40 and looked really nice. Not like Tuomas at all, though.   
'Congratulations, Tarja. Being a mother is a wonderful thing.'

"What was your sister called again?" Tarja asked in the evening.  
"Susanna ... why?"  
"Just asking. Could you get me some mustard?"  
"Tarja, you're eating potato chips with pepper taste."  
"And?"  
Tarja's look was so confused that Tuomas had to laugh.  
"I love you," he said and kissed her forehead.   
And Tarja grinned madly.

Tarja was thinking about how to contact Susanna. In the end she decided to just write her, but then she sat there again. What could she write?  
She sighed and just started.   
'Hello Susanna :) before you delete the message, please take a time to read. It's really me, the real Tarja, I didn't tell anyone to text you in my name. Please don't show this message to anyone, it's only for you. I need to know something and I hope you won't be creeped out that I actually texted you. I hope for a response! Thank you :)'

It lasted a while until Susanna responded, but as she did, Tarja was glad that she believed her.  
'Oh my God. I wasn't sure if it's was a joke or not but I guess it wasn't ... I showed the message to no one, I promise. You can ask me everything. Congratulations to your baby again! Greetings, your fan Sussu.'  
Tarja smiled and looked around. Tuomas was busy with playing the piano, so she started typing.  
'Thank you :) I believe you that you thought it was a joke. I came across your page through a coincidence and now I have a really, really important question: Do you have a brother named Tuomas?'  
Before she sent it she read it again. Of course it would be a coincidence but it could be possible that this Susanna Holopainen had a brother named Tuomas Holopainen that wasn't her Tuomas. It was possible, so she added, 'Lauri Johannes?'  
Susanna was online, so Tarja waited until she saw it.  
And then Susanna typed.  
'I do.'  
Tarja grinned. 'Would he be around 36 now?'  
'Yes,' Susanna answered. 'Do you know him?'  
Tarja took a deep breath and wrote: 'I'm married to him.'  
Susanna immediately saw the message but it lasted a while until she answered.  
Finally she did.  
'Do you want to fool me? Sorry but I don't think it's funny ... I haven't seen my brother in ages, I didn't even know where and if he still lived.'  
'But I'm telling the truth,' Tarja answered. 'Tuomas, your younger brother, is the father of my baby. My official name is Tarja Turunen Holopainen now. I married him last November. You can ask me everything about him, I know everything about his ... and your past.'  
'Oh my God.' Susanna answered. 'You know about what happened to us?'  
'What happened to you and what he did.' Tarja answered. She believed her, thank God. 'Actually I wanted to invite you to visit us, where do you live?'  
'I'm living in Kitee again,' Susanna answered. 'I can visit you if you want to. It'd be an honour. I'll come, no matter where you live.'  
Tarja smiled. She knew that Susanna probably wasn't able to believe it at the moment - she was a fan of Tarja and had to find out that her brother, whom she hadn't seen in fifteen years, was married to the singer. And that she would visit them.  
'Tuomas and I are living in Lemland. Please don't tell a soul!'  
'I promise. So I'll come there? When?'  
"Sweetheart?" Tarja called and Tuomas looked up.  
"Are you okay? Is the baby coming??"  
"Of course not, shut up. I just wanted to ask if I can invite a friend this weekend."  
"Sure," Tuomas said. "Sirja?"  
"No, you don't know her yet."  
Tuomas was relieved. Her. "Sure, no problem."  
'This weekend,' Tarja typed. 'I'll pick you up in Mariehamn. Is Saturday afternoon okay?'  
'Perfect,' Susanna replied.


	10. Chapter 10

Tarja was sitting on a bench at the haven, waiting for Susanna's arrival.  
Her hands on her belly she waited excitedly. She couldn't wait to bring her home.  
Finally she saw the ship coming closer and stood up, walking to the bannister.   
Susanna should immediately see her.

And she did. Her eyes grew wide as she stepped closer, slowly, shyly ...  
"It's really you," she whispered and a second later she hugged Tarja tightly. "I've always wanted to meet you! You're my idol!"  
Tarja laughed. "And now I'm even your sister-in-law."  
Susanna pulled away again. "That's too amazing. I still can't believe it."  
"Here, that's my ring," Tarja said and showed it to the blonde Finn.   
"Beautiful, so beautiful," Susanna said. "And so are you. In which week are you?"  
"Nineteenth week," Tarja answered. "And it's going to be a boy."  
"Really?? Oh my God!" Susanna shouted.  
"Yes, but please don't tell Tuomas. He wants to be surprised. I couldn't, I needed to know."  
"Understandable," Susanna answered. "Sorry but I can't believe it ... I'm going to see my brother again ... and he's married to my favourite singer!"  
Tarja smiled as she noticed the tears in Susanna's eyes.

"So... you really know everything about our past?" Susanna asked while they were in the boat that would bring them over the river.  
"Mhm," Tarja said softly. "It lasted a while until he was ready to sleep with me."  
"Oh," Susanna mumbled. "Yeah ... it's a trauma. I sometimes still dream of it."  
"So does he," Tarja said. "He doesn't tell me but I wake up when he does. Sometimes he's so done that he needs fresh air ... then he sits outside and cries."  
"Wow," Susanna whispered. "But he's lucky to have you. I mean, look at you ...! And you're pregnant!"  
Tarja laughed. "Good God, yes. I'm pregnant. It was quite a surprise because we didn't plan it. But I'm happy, I'm really happy. I didn't want to be a mother so early but with Tuomas as the father ... it's just right."  
Susanna smiled.

"Until... my last breath ... you'll never know..." Tuomas shook his head and wrote down the next note. Tarja had written the text already and had asked him to write a melody.  
"Until you feel the silence..."  
"Tuooooomaaaas!"  
Tuomas stood up and walked towards his wife. "Welcome back, babe," he mumbled and kissed her lips. "Where's your friend?"  
"She's in the anteroom," Tarja replied. "Are you ready?"  
"For?" Tuomas asked confused and Tarja grinned, taking his hand.  
"Susanna? He's ready."  
And Susanna stepped inside.  
"Hi, Tuomas," she said softly.   
Tuomas stared.  
Tarja grinned up to him and suddenly she felt the grip around her hand growing tighter.  
"Sussu?" he whispered.  
"Hello, little brother," Susanna said and Tuomas let go of Tarja's hand and rushed to his sister to hug her tight.  
"My God... Susanna... my God..."  
Susanna laughed. "Yes, I was quite surprised myself. Suddenly Tarja Turunen texted me ..."  
"Tarja," Tuomas whispered and let go of his sister, turning to his wife again. His eyes were red. "Tarja - I ... I love you so much." He closed the gap between himself and her and captured her lips. "Love you, love you ..." he whispered. "You're the best thing in my life ... my love ..."  
Tarja was stunned. He had never showed his feelings that openly. He normally tried to hide them.

Tarja gave her husband some time with his sister.  
She walked along the shore again, to the spot where she had found the most letters. Sometimes he still left poems for her, just to show her that he loved her.  
'My fall will be for you  
My love will be in you  
You were the one to cut me  
So I'll bleed forever'  
Tarja smiled at the text. Tuomas had a talent for making texts sound both beautiful and sad. Sometimes Tarja needed a while to figure out what he meant with them.  
If he would tell Susanna about his time as stalker?  
Tarja grinned at the image of a shocked Susanna, who had to find out that her beloved brother had been the stalker of her favourite singer -  
The nausea washed over her so all of a sudden that she fell on her knees.  
Clenching her belly she vomited right beneath the tree and when she was done, she staggered back to the house to lay down. Her face was white.

"Love?"  
"Mhhh?"  
He lay down next to her and pulled her close. "Were you sleeping?"  
"No I just rested my eyes," Tarja huffed.  
"Is it okay that Susanna sleeps in your house?"  
"Sure, that's what I expected after all ..."  
"How are you?"  
"I don't know, I almost died today," Tarja yawned.  
"What?" Tuomas asked panicking.   
"I had a sudden cramp... and then I vomited for like twenty minutes."  
"Oh no..." Tuomas caressed her hair. "Did you take anything?"  
"No ... I couldn't find anything I was allowed to take."  
"Maybe we should go to the pharmacy together and buy some medicine for you ... also in case you get a cold or anything. Hm?"  
"Yes," Tarja mumbled and crawled closer to her husband. "Please make love to me ..."  
"Really? You feel better already?"  
"Yes. And I know you want to, I noticed your need when you kissed me today ..."  
"Amazing woman," Tuomas whispered. "You. You found my sister."  
"I'm so glad you liked the surprise," Tarja chuckled.  
"I still can't believe it," he said gently and kissed her. His lips travelled lower and he kissed her exposed breasts, kissed lower, kissed her belly. "You're giving me so many beautiful things," he mumbled and trailed his lips up again, kissing her lips. He parted her legs and stroke her wetness, he wanted to show her how much he loved her. So he made love to her that night, beautiful, passionate love. Tarja came two times, her orgasm more intense than always due to the pregnancy. 

The next day Tarja felt better. Way better.  
The sun was already up and shining through the curtains, leaving the room in a light orange tone. Tarja stretched herself and stroke her belly.  
"Morning baby..." she mumbled and turned around to kiss her husband's shoulder. "And morning, second baby..."  
Tuomas turned around. "Hey..."  
For a while they just looked at each other. No words were needed to express the love for the other.

While they were eating breakfast, Susanna came over. She sat down at their breakfast table with a smile.  
"I thought about something."  
"Yes?" Tarja looked at her curiously.  
"Well ... I'm still living at our old house as you might know. And it's way too big for me, since I don't have a family. So ... you wanted to move to Finland anyway. In Kitee you'd have a house."  
"You want me and Tarja to live in Kitee?" Tuomas asked. "In our old house? Where so many bad things happened?"  
"My friends and I did the best with it, Tuo. We painted the walls, bought new furniture, everything. It looks so different now. You won't even think of it anymore."  
Tuomas looked at his sister before he looked at his wife. "What do you say?"  
"Where will you live, Sussu?"  
"I'll find something. But believe me, you need a house for a family. Don't look around, take our old one. Please."  
"Well we could take a look at it, right?" Tarja asked gently.  
"We could," Tuomas said.  
"And if we don't like the house, let's move somewhere else in Kitee." Tarja smiled and so did Tuomas.   
"You want me to go back there? Some awful things happened in Kitee."  
"But Tuo, I'm living there too," Susanna tried to calm him.  
"But you like to torture yourself. You've always been a masochist." Tuomas eyed his sister.   
"A -" Susanna started but Tarja interrupted them.  
"Hey, peace!" she shouted. "Well take a look at it and then we'll decide. And if it's too much for you, we can live in Helsinki too. Or another small town like Lemland. Alright?"  
"Of course, love," Tuomas said gently and took his wife's hand. "I just want you to be happy."  
"And I want you to be happy," Tarja said.  
"I'm happy wherever you are."  
They kissed gently until a small cough made them pulled apart.  
Susanna sat there and smiled at them. "You're so cute," she said. "So sad I wasn't at your wedding."  
"But you'll be with us from now on," Tarja said. "And you'll be the baby's godmother."  
"Really??" Susanna gasped. "Are you ... are you serious??"  
Tuomas smiled. "You want my sister to be the baby's godmother?"  
"Of course!" Tarja laughed and the next thing she noticed was, that both Tuomas and Susanna hugged her to no end.  
Everything was fine.  
For now...

A month later they travelled to Kitee. Susanna had told them she had prepared everything, a room for them, a place to stay for herself while they would spend their time at the house. Tarja had to go to Finland anyway around that time, so she decided to connect it. After giving autographs in Helsinki, Tampere and Espoo, she travelled to Kitee. With Tuomas of course. And the closer they came, the quieter Tuomas got.  
"Soon we'll be there," he whispered and squeezed Tarja's hand.  
And two stops later they got outside.  
"Kitee," Tuomas whispered. He had both loved and despised this town. And never had he thought he'd come back ...  
He looked around, he didn't know a single one of those people.  
Of course, he hadn't been there for fifteen years ...  
"Tuomas? Darling." Tarja whispered and stroke his hand with her thumb. "Where to now?"  
"Oh ... Susanna said she'd pick us up. Come."  
They walked out of the railway station and over to Susanna, who was waving at them from a few metres away.  
They hugged.   
"Glad you came," Susanna said happily. "How are you two? Three?"  
"Oh, the baby and I are fine," Tarja said and patted her belly. "Tuomas is not, though. I think old memories are coming back."  
"I believe it's worse for him," Susanna mumbled. "He suffered ... for a longer time."  
Tarja looked at Susanna, the woman who had given birth to a baby made by her own father. She had definitely suffered too. But Susanna smiled. She was such a strong woman. 

The house was big and yellow. On the inside it was quite modern, Susanna hadn't overacted as she had told them that it looked different now. Tuomas thought he was in another house.  
He stroke over the kitchen counter. "Nice. You used our money for that?"  
"Sure. Our father's dead and you were gone. And I haven't seen Petri ever since he escaped. What else should I have done?"  
"It's okay," Tuomas said with a smile. "Beautiful work you've done here. Is the island still as it was?"  
"Of course! I didn't touch anything there." Susanna sighed. "The island ... those were the only beautiful memories."  
"Yes." Tuomas smiled at his sister.   
Tarja stepped closer. "Island?" she asked.  
Tuomas and Susanna grinned at each other.

"You have an island!" Tarja called again. "An island!"  
"Yes," Tuomas chuckled. "And it still looks as always. Good Sussu. See that house over there? Susanna and I fled there when everything was too much. Here Susanna gave birth to the baby."  
"What?" Tarja whispered. "Alone?"  
"I helped."  
Tarja was speechless.  
"Well the baby was considered as a bastard. No one knew what really happened. We went to the church to pray a lot but the pastor threw us out. He said he never wanted to see Susanna again. That's why I stopped believing in church and in God. And when Susanna and I were here after that, her water broke. And I gave birth to the baby girl."  
"And then?" Tarja whispered.  
"Well I drove them to the hospital."  
"Why didn't you call a doctor?"  
I don't know, it all went so fast. Also I didn't want to tell my father. Eventually we had to, of course."  
"And the baby? Was it healthy?"  
"Very," Tuomas said. "Susanna called her Taura after our grandmother."  
"And then she gave her away?" Tarja asked.  
"Sussu didn't want to. It was her baby ... I could see she loved it, no matter what. But our father forced her to. And so she gave Taura to a nice family who already had one adopted kid. I don't think she ever saw her again."  
"Wow." Tarja caressed Tuomas' hand.  
"Yeah." Tuomas sighed and then he smiled at her. "Now I'm only looking forward to our baby."  
Tarja leaned her head against Tuomas' shoulder. "It's going to be a boy," she whispered and Tuomas turned to her with tears in his eyes. Crying gently, he kissed her temple. And her forehead. And her lips.  
"Oh Tarja ... oh Tari ..."


	11. Chapter 11

While Tarja's belly grew bigger, her mood grew worse  
Moving out didn't make anything easier, while standing there and feeling useless because she couldn't lift anything, she watched her friends carrying the whole furniture out of the house and over to the boats.  
Susanna, Emilia, Maritta and Matti had offered their help and soon the three were helping Tuomas and Tarja with moving out.  
But Tarja felt useless. She wanted to help them carrying, but as she came closer to ask, Emilia shoved her away.  
"No, Tarja. Let us do that," she said and Tarja sat down at the shore. She was offended about their behaviour.  
And while she sat there and stared at the water, she suddenly saw a piece of paper between the wood of the pier.  
Tarja squinted her eyes and climbed off the shore and into the water. Wading through the water she got closer to the paper. Was it another poem by Tuomas? One she had overseen?  
It was.  
With shaking hands she unfolded it, reading:

'Crying for me was never worth a tear  
My lonely soul is only filled with fear.  
...  
Walking the tideline  
I hear your name  
Is angels wispering  
Something so beautiful it hurts.  
...  
I only wished to become something beautiful  
Through my music, through my silent devotion.  
...  
Should I dress in white and search the sea  
As I always wished to be one with the waves.'

Now she was really shaking. When had he written this? "One with the waves" ... had he wanted to drown himself ... when?  
Tarja was breathing fast, clenching her belly.  
"Don't... overreact," she told herself. "Calm down, baby, mommy's not going into labour now. It's not time yet."  
Still clenching her belly, she walked back. She sat down at the bench in front of her old house and watched her friends and husband carry the piano. She laughed. How would they transport it over the water? The boat would sink. Then his music would be one with the waves.  
Through my music ... through my silent devotion ...  
One with the waves ...  
Tarja bit her lip. Her husband was depressed. He probably still was depressed ...  
She searched his gaze, his look was empty. Even though he was smiling at her, his eyes looked sad.  
Maybe he didn't want to move out? He had liked it here ... in silence and peace.  
Tarja jumped up and ran to him. "Baby," she whispered and pulled him into a quick kiss. He responded gently. "Do you really want to move?"  
"You want to so I want to move as well," was his answer.  
"So you don't want to move," Tarja stated. "You're only moving because of me."  
"Because of us," Tuomas corrected and touched Tarja's belly. "I don't want to raise our son here."  
Tarja pulled him away. "When did you write this?" she asked and handed him the newest letter.  
He stared at it with an empty look.  
"Ages ago," he then said. "I can't even remember when ... must have been before we became a couple."  
"If you're unhappy, just tell me," Tarja pleaded. "You always give and give but never take. Therefore I take way too much and never give! Say something!"  
But Tuomas didn't answer. He only cupped her cheeks and looked his wife into her eyes. "I want you. That's everything I want."  
"But?" Tarja asked. "Dammit, Tuomas, tell me! Don't you want to get a baby?"  
Her eyes were full of tears and as he nodded, her world broke together.  
"You ... you don't want this baby ..."  
"No, Tarja, I -" Tuomas started but Tarja had already turned around and ran away. Face buried into her hands.  
Tuomas sat down. Great. He couldn't have said it any more cold-hearted, right?

Tarja sat down in the grass. He didn't want their baby? But he had seemed so happy...  
But he had never said he was happy. He had said he was surprised. Not happy. But he had said he was looking forward ... oh, he had probably lied.  
Tarja cried bitter tears. 

Tuomas approached her carefully, sitting down next to her.  
"How could I be so stupid??" Tarja cried and Tuomas' heart broke. "Of course you don't want this baby. We haven't been together long enough. Oh I totally fucked it up."  
"No, Tari, no," Tuomas said gently and hugged her. "I had troubles with expressing my feelings with words. I want this baby very much because it's, well, my baby. And yours. But ... I'm so scared ..."  
"Scared of? Scared of what??"  
Tuomas avoided her look. "Well ... my father wasn't exactly the best father existing, right?"  
Tarja was shocked. "You - you would never do something like that ..."  
"Of course I never would," Tuomas said quickly. "But what if I'll be a bad father in another way? Or what if he doesn't like me? What if he'll be ashamed?"  
"Ashamed?" Tarja whispered. "Why on earth would he be ashamed?"  
"Because I'm shy and I don't talk much," Tuomas mumbled. "And because I'm not really working, I'm just a poet -"  
"Okay, first of all," Tarja interrupted him, "you're not shy. You talk to me, don't you? Second ... what?? Because you're just a poet?? Oh, baby ... That's the most incredible thing a man can do - producing songs and poetries. Maybe he'll be just the same? One never knows. Maybe he'll look up to you ..."  
Tarja smiled encouraging. "And he will love you because I do too. He will love his daddy from the depths of his heart and he will love the songs I am going to sing to him every night. Songs written by his father. For him and for me. Why do you doubt this?"  
"Because ... not many people like me as much as you do."  
"And that's good." Tarja circled her arms around her husband. "Because I love you more than anything and I wouldn't want anyone to love you as much as I do."  
Tuomas chuckled and hugged Tarja back. "But what if -"  
"What if he doesn't like me?" Tarja interrupted him again.  
"That's not possible," Tuomas immediately said but Tarja pressed her finger on his lips.  
"Sht, I'm talking. See, I'm not like normal women, I'd never let him do everything he wants to do. I'm strict, I'm a fury, I'm a diva, I'm bitchy and I am the one who gets what she wants. Soon our son will understand and he'll be such a daddy's boy."  
Tuomas chuckled again. "Tari -"  
"I said I'm talking now," Tarja said again and patted his cheek. "Don't you ever doubt yourself again. You're the nicest person on this island right now. You just have the misfortune to have a sad past. But everything will be fine as long as you and I stay strong ..."  
Her look was both forcing and pleading and to his shame, he felt tears in his eyes.  
Tarja loved his soft side so much. She pulled him into a soft and gentle kiss, not letting go of him for several minutes.  
"I love you so much," Tuomas mumbled into her shoulder. 

The moving continued.  
Soon they had moved into the house in Kitee, the Holopainen's old house. Tuomas had told her that he was okay with it. Susanna and her friends had done a good job, he didn't even think of what had happened here anymore. Everything looked different, thank God.  
Tarja couldn't be any happier.  
During the last days she had tried to make his good side clear to Tuomas. Everytime he did something for her, like helping in the household, she told him, "See? That's why I love you. And that's why your son will love you too. You're a giver."  
While Tuomas was giving everything to her, Tarja was giving herself to him every day. Not only at night, no, sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the afternoon. She was glad that Tuomas was working from his home, this way she could have him whenever she wanted to. She grew more and more needy and Tuomas couldn't mind less. He enjoyed making love to her, he always had. Just as he had enjoyed watching her through the window. But now it was even better, now he could see her from close. And he was the one causing her to forget her name.  
He had longed for her since the very day she had moved into her house and now he finally had her. But he still watched her in her sleep.  
He was afraid she would fade away, so he watched her until she had fallen asleep, until she was breathing slowly and calmly.  
Then he kissed her shoulder, her cheek and the back of her head, whispered "I love you so much", spooned her and tried to sleep.

"Tuomas..." Tarja moaned. "Tuomas ..."  
Tuomas sat up. "What? Is the baby coming??"  
"No, you fool. I'm not that far along yet. But still, something's not right..."  
She was massaging her belly with a clenched face.  
"Is he kicking?" Tuomas mumbled and put his hands on the bump. Tarja shook her head. "Hello, little one ... Maybe he has a hiccup?"  
"I wouldn't feel that," Tarja muttered. Her face had been white, but suddenly the colour started to get back into her face. "It's over ..."  
"Really?" Tuomas panicked. He had seen this already, a long time ago ...

"Following problem, Mrs Holopainen," the doctor opened as he got out of the laboratory. "You have early contractions."  
"Not really," Tarja moaned.  
"And?" Tuomas asked. "How does everything else look down there?"  
Tarja rolled her eyes.  
"Good so far," the doctor replied. "No signs of an early birth. But to prevent more contractions, you should avoid having intercourse and -"  
"What?" Tarja called. "We can't stop having -"  
"Shsh," Tuomas mumbled and took her hands.  
"No, Tuomas," Tarja bubbled up. "We can't -"  
"AND," shouted the doctor, "You should stay calm, otherwise the contractions will occur more intense than before."  
"We can't stop having sex," whispered Tarja. "Right?"  
"You should stop doing everything in general," the doctor continued. "Cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking walks - all of this can cause an early birth."  
"Driving the car?" Tarja guessed and the doctor nodded.  
"Fine." Tarja leaned back. "Fine ... then I'll spend the rest of my pregnancy in bed."  
"That'd be the best," the doctor commented and Tarja groaned again.  
"What about singing?"  
Now the doctor smiled. "That shouldn't be a problem."

"No sex," Tarja muttered and shook her head. Tuomas chuckled.  
"Only for a few weeks. When you're far along enough we can have sex again because then it won't matter if you go into labour."  
"I hate being pregnant!" Tarja moaned and threw her head back, staring at the ceiling of the car. "Can't we swap?"  
"If I knew how, I would," Tuomas answered and Tarja bit her lip. She knew that he would indeed swap without thinking again. And then she would feel bad because Tuomas had already suffered enough in his life.  
She didn't say another word until they arrived at home.  
And finally at home, Tarja wordlessly pushed Tuomas into the living room.  
"No sex, baby," her husband warned her but Tarja hushed him with a kiss.  
"I know," she whispered and pushed him back. She kissed along his jawline while opening his shirt. Kissed his throat while touching his chest. Gently she sucked, leaving a cute little lovebite on his skin.  
"Tari ..." Tuomas whispered. "What are you doing...?"  
Tarja grinned devilish and went lower. She kissed his exposed chest and finally got off his lap and knelt down.  
"Tarja, no -" Tuomas started, but Tarja's look made him shut up quickly.  
"Want me to gag you?"  
"If it turns you on," Tuomas offered and Tarja seriously considered to tie and gag him for a moment. But then she wordlessly opened his pants and pulled it down. Kissed his stomach, kissed her way down until she had reached her destination. Slowly she pulled his boxers down too, biting her lip at the sight of his erection. He was so hard already, only because of her chaste kisses?  
"Oh Tuomas..." she mumbled and kissed his shaft. Tuomas moaned and grabbed the pillow next to him. As Tarja took him into his mouth, he pressed it on his face.  
He moaned her name and when he came he screamed, screamed his release into the pillow while he released himself into her mouth.  
"How was I?"  
Her question lasted minutes to make sense in Tuomas' brain.  
"Did you just-" Tuomas was speechless. "Tarja, you're a goddess..."  
Tarja was proud of herself. "Well, thanks. At least I know I'm still good at this. I can't do anything but I can give blowjobs."  
"Oh you, come here," Tuomas chuckled and pulled his wife in an embrace. "Soon, darling. Very soon you'll hold our son in your arms."  
Tarja smiled happily.  
"Are you looking forward now? Really looking forward?"  
Tuomas locked their eyes. "Yes."  
But then another event shattered their happy little world.


	12. Chapter 12

"Oh ... my ... God." Tuomas was simply speechless.  
"What?" Tarja mumbled and lifted her head. She had been reading a book until her husband had tore her out of her concentrated state.  
He was staring at the laptop with an unbelieving look on his face.  
"They... they..." he looked at his wife. "Tarja, they want more of my music! For a movie!"  
Tarja smiled. "Great! Who?"  
"A director called Erno Kauppinen... he wants me to write the soundtrack for the whole movie! Not only one song! In the end the credits will say 'soundtrack by Tuomas Holopainen!' I can't believe it ... he writes he discovered Swanheart and thought it was perfect for his new movie and his crew agrees! Now he asks if there are more jewels like this one... I just wonder how he found Swanheart... he must be following my works."  
Tuomas' mouth was wide open.  
Tarja laughed. "I told you you're a genius. What about Beauty Of The Beast? Ever Dream? Ocean Soul?"  
"Those songs are very special," Tuomas said lightly. "I wrote them for you."  
"Well then you can say that you had the best inspiration! Send them to them. Also send Sleeping Sun, Forever Yours and Lagoon. They will love them!"  
"You really think?" Tuomas was unsure but his wife nodded.  
So Tuomas sighed and stood up to get his camera. Tarja watched him taking pictures of his songs. "What about Angels Fall First and Lappi?" Tuomas asked and Tarja nodded slowly.  
"Why not? They'll tell you what they need and what they won't need, right?"  
Tuomas nodded. He was excited. Tarja couldn't stop watching him, he was literally jumping on his spot. She smiled so happily. Hopefully they'd take his songs ... it would be perfect for his career. And especially for him, for his self-esteem... Maybe he'd finally start loving himself then. There would be enough people who would become fans of him. And then he could finally forget his past and self hate and look forward to more projects.  
Tarja smiled. She loved seeing him like this, he had only been happier once: when they had married.

A week later the producer of the movie called.  
Tuomas was shaking as the man on the other end of the line introduced himself as Erno.  
"Do we have a deal, Mr Holopainen?" he asked asked and Tuomas' mouth went open.  
"You ... you want my songs?"  
"Yes, we really do. They're amazing, they're better than everything I've ever received. You're a genius!"  
Tuomas blushed. "Oh okay ... well that's amazing, thank you."  
"We want to meet you. When can you come to sign the contract?"  
"Can't you mail it? I have a far along pregnant wife whom I can't take with me." Tuomas bit his lip.  
"Well, we want to meet you soon, Mr Holopainen. I would rather see you in person but I understand that you can't come to Helsinki now."  
Tuomas nodded slowly. "Okay, wait. ... Tarja?" he then called. "Do you want to go to Helsinki with me?"  
"I'm not going to Helsinki while the baby could pop out every second!" Tarja called back and Tuomas chuckled.  
"I heard her answer," Erno said and Tuomas could hear that he was smiling. "Congratulations, by the way. So do you want to come before or after the baby's birth?"  
Tuomas was thinking. Before would be better, right? He would be gone for two days and Susanna could pay attention to him ...  
He definitely couldn't go after the baby's birth. He couldn't leave Tarja alone with a small baby.  
"What about tomorrow?" Tuomas asked.

"I love you." He kissed her lips. "Love you. So much." Kissed her again. "Love you. What will I do without you?"  
"First of all, you'll have much fun without me," Tarja started.  
"Nooo," Tuomas mumbled but Tarja patted his cheek.  
"Yes. You'll meet new people, future colleagues of yours. You won't even think of me."  
"I always think of you," Tuomas answered and the pregnant woman sighed.  
"Forget about me for one day, okay? Susanna is here. I'll be fine."  
"I know." But he wouldn't let go of her.  
"Tuo..." Tarja said gently. "Just one day."  
"And one night..."  
"Maybe being apart from me will inspire you for new songs. Hm?" Tarja suggested.  
Tuomas stroke her hair behind her ear. "Yes ..."  
"Hey, love birds!" Susanna suddenly called. "Tuomas, you should go now. When do you have to be in Helsinki?"  
Tuomas groaned and got up. "I'll call you, baby," he said and went to his sister. "Thank you."  
"No problem," Susanna replied. "Drive carefully."  
"Sure," Tuomas promised. "Hey, Sussu, can I talk to you for a moment?"  
Susanna followed her brother into the bedroom.  
"In case that her water breaks, here's the suitcase. Don't let her do anything, like walk around a lot or move any more... I just want to be with her when it happens ..."  
"Hey. Tuo." Susanna put her hand on his shoulder. "We've been there already. Remember? We two were alone and we did it."  
"Yes." Tuomas smiled weakly. "Please call me if it happens."  
"Of course," Susanna said and nodded. The siblings hugged.  
"Thank you so much," Tuomas mumbled.  
"Thank Tarja. She changed our lives."  
They smiled at each other.  
Tarja was, without a doubt, the best thing that had happened to them.  
"Take care of her," Tuomas mumbled and then they went down again.  
"I showed Sussu where the suitcase is," he informed Tarja and bent down again. "One last time," he sighed and kissed the baby bump. "See you soon, little man. Please wait with your arrival until I come back." Then he kissed Tarja again. "Love you so much."  
"Go now," Tarja chuckled. "You'll miss the train."

"He really loves me too much," Tarja sighed as he was finally gone. Susanna chuckled.  
"Yes. Not too much, in my opinion but yes - very much."  
Tarja shook her head. "Too much. Has he told you what he did before we became a couple?"  
"No!" Susanna called. "What did he do?"  
"He stalked me," Tarja replied and Susanna's eyes widened.  
"Stalked? He - he was a stalker??"  
Tarja nodded.  
"Then -" Susanna had to gasp for air. "Then 500 Letters was about him??"  
"Yes," Tarja said. "And remember those surprise songs? Ever Dream and Beauty Of The Beast? Those were by him. He wrote them about me while he watched me through the window."  
"He watched you through your window ..." Susanna shook her head.  
"He was too shy to talk to me. But I found him fascinating so I talked to him. And look where we are now." She stroke her belly and Susanna smiled.  
"So if something would happen to you ... or if you left him, it would kill him," she said quietly.  
"I'd never leave him!" Tarja called. "But you're right - it would kill him. No, he'd probably kill himself."  
"Please take care," Susanna said softly.  
"Well at the moment I'm only running the risk of getting bedsores," Tarja groaned and stretched her back.  
And screamed.  
"Tarja!!" Susanna shouted. The woman was clenching her belly in pain.  
"Sussu... is Tuo already gone?" she breathed. "I think - I think my water broke ..."  
Susanna stormed to the door and opened it. Tarja could hear her scream for her brother. Tarja groaned again.  
"Please don't... not now, baby, not now..."  
Susanna came back. "He's gone," she said desperately. "Come ... come with me."  
She helped Tarja up. "Why did I stretch!?" she cried. "Oh God this hurts ..."  
"It will go over," Susanna calmed her sister-in-law and led her outside and towards the car.

Tuomas had safely arrived in Helsinki, had found his hotel, had found the office of the producer.  
The producer, Erno, thought of Tuomas as a typical Finn - not very talkative, quiet, somehow absent. He noticed that his thoughts were somewhere else - with someone.  
"Do you want to call your wife?" he asked after a while, but Tuomas declined.  
"My sister will call me if the baby is about to come. It's alright, thank you."  
Tuomas met the author of the book as well. The book was called Taikatalvi and after Tuomas heard about the storyline of it, he immediately had an idea for the official theme song. They showed him pictures of the actors and Tuomas nodded. They looked perfect for the movie. Tuomas was excited. Only his music would be in the movie. Only.  
"Do you have a singer too?" Tuomas asked. "Or don't you need one?"  
"We thought of a singer for an official soundtrack," Erno informed him. "During the movie there will only be the music, but on the soundtrack we want someone to sing, since I saw you've been writing texts too. But no, we don't have a singer yet. We're looking for one."  
Tuomas was shaking. "Well ... my wife is a singer, actually," he said and everyone stared at him.  
"Really? Is she good?"  
"Well ... ever heard of Tarja Holopainen?"  
"No," most of them said, but one woman of the crew stood up.   
"You're Tarja Turunen's husband??" she screeched.  
Tuomas grimaced and nodded.  
"Oh my - Erno!" the woman shouted. "Say yes! Just say yes! If Tarja Turunen... Holopainen will sing for us - say yes, Erno!! I'm such a fan!" She fastened forward and grabbed Erno's arm.  
Erno gasped. "Ouch - calm down, Tiina. I will. Do you have a video of her?"  
"Of course!" Tiina shouted and pulled her phone out of her bag. "I even filmed myself - her voice is just as perfect in real as on the albums."  
"That's true," Tuomas said with a smile. Boy, he couldn't wait to tell Tarja.   
Tiina showed them the performances of Boy And The Ghost, Ever Dream, Sing For Me and Oasis. Tuomas had never been prouder of his wife. Erno and the crew were speechless. And Tuomas promised them to send them recordings of her singing Swanheart, Forever Yours and the other songs he had thought of fitting for Taikatalvi.   
He signed the contract, thanked the crew and walked downstairs.  
He was over the moon as he got out of the building. He would immediately call his love!  
Quickly he noticed that he had had no connection in the office and still hadn't, so he shut his phone off and on again.  
And what happened then, horrified him to no end.  
Five messages.  
Seven missed calls.  
Three voice messages on his mail box.  
"Fuck," Tuomas cursed. They all were from Susanna.   
He didn't bother to call the mail box or read the messages, he called her right away.  
And she picked up after just one ring.  
"Sorry, I had no connection. Is the baby coming??" he asked worried.  
"Tuomas ... Tuo... something happened," Susanna sobbed and Tuomas tumbled to the bench of a bus stop.  
"What happened?"  
"Her ... her water broke and we - we were on the way to the hospital," Susanna sobbed, "as a ... oh Tuo, a drunk driver crashed into us!"  
Tuomas fell down on the bench.   
"What ...?"  
"He ... he crashed into the passenger's side," Susanna whispered and Tuomas closed his eyes.  
"How's Tarja ...?"  
"She's... she's losing too much blood," Susanna went on, never stopping to sob. "They had to remove the baby from her womb -"  
Tuomas covered his mouth with his hand.  
"They removed him with a c-section but he's fine, don't worry. He's going to be healthy. B-but Tarja loses so much blood ... come here, Tuomas, they're fighting for her life and they don't know if she will make it ..."  
Tuomas immediately knew what he'd do if Tarja died.  
He'd kill himself. He really would. He couldn't live without her. She was his life. Only her, no one else. There was only one reason for him to live and it was her. And if she died ...  
They found the final letter lying by his side, a smile was on his face - cold as ice ...  
Tuomas opened his eyes and stood up.  
"I'm on my way. Tell her to stay strong. I'll be there." Tuomas stood up. "Tell her not to die. I'm on my way."


	13. Chapter 13

"Tarja Holopainen," Tuomas whispered. His face was white, his hands were shaking. "She's my wife ... she's had an accident ..."  
"Ah, Mr Holopainen." The doctor nodded. "She's still in the operation room."  
"What?" Tuomas tumbled back. "I drove six hours by train ... how can she still be in the operation room ..." He covered his face with his hands.  
"She has had a very heavy accident," the doctor explained. "A car crashed into the side of the co-driver. It's a miracle that both she and the baby survived."  
Tuomas didn't move. "What did you do?"  
"We first needed to remove the baby. He's safe. He's with your sister."  
Tuomas still didn't move.   
"She has many contusions and bruises," the doctor continued. "And she lost lots of blood. We still can't guarantee for her survival."  
Finally Tuomas looked up. "And my sister?"  
"She has a light trauma," the doctor informed him. "But besides that she's fine."  
"And my son?"  
"He's healthy." Now the doctor smiled. "A lucky baby. Do you want to see him?"  
Tuomas' face was emotionless. "I want to see Tarja."  
"Sorry. You can't see her yet."   
Tuomas didn't move from his seat, so the doctor got up to get Susanna. 

"Tuomas?"  
The musician looked up, stared into the worried and sad face of his sister.  
"Oh Tuo..." Susanna sat down next to him and leaned her head against his shoulder. "How are you? Do you have the job?"  
"Yes."  
"Then it's just perfect, right? Tarja will be fine and your son is so cute. He looks like a mix between you two."  
"That's because he is."  
"Oh, Tuo..." Susanna was desperate. "She'll be okay, you'll see."  
"She will die," Tuomas said without a hint of any emotion in his voice. "She will die and leave me as everyone I loved did. Mother. Petri. You."  
"But I came back ..." Susanna said. "And so will Tarja."  
Tuomas ignored her.   
"She will die and leave me and I will be depressed again. God hates me. He took everything from me, my mother, my childhood, my whole happiness. My wife. The love of my life, the only thing that made me happy. The woman who understood me, loved me, did everything for me."  
"Oh, Tuomas ..." Susanna was crying. "I love her too ..."  
"No one loves her as I do," Tuomas continued. "No one feels what I do. If she does, I'll kill myself. I already know how. I'm going to hang myself. I don't want to live without her, a world without her is not worth living in."  
"Tuomas!!" Susanna cried and grabbed his shoulder. "No! I won't allow this."  
He looked at his sister, his eyes were empty. "If she dies, my insides will die. I will fall into a depression and I will never get out again. My body needs to die with her as my soul will."  
"But what about your son?" Susanna whispered.  
"Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to be capable of taking care of a baby?"  
"He looks like Tarja..." Susanna tried but Tuomas snorted.   
"Another reason for not looking at him. And after him."  
Susanna was shocked. "Tarja will survive and you will -"  
A sudden glare from his brother made the blonde Finn shut up.  
"How could this even happen?" he suddenly hissed.  
"He came out of nowhere," Susanna mumbled. "He was drunk and I was racing ... Tarja's water broke soon after you left."  
"I shouldn't have left," Tuomas muttered. "It's all my fault..."  
"No, no!" Susanna tried to calm him. "It's that man's fault ..."  
"Where is he?" Tuomas clenched his fists. "I to want to beat the shit out of him.  
"Don't you dare," Susanna said. "He already paid. Don't worry, he's probably going to prison as well.  
"Good ..." Tuomas was breathing hard. And then he looked at Susanna. "What's my son's name?"  
"You don't know yet?"  
Tuomas shook his head. "No we ... we decided to choose the name when he was born but Tari liked Timo ... like her brother ... does he look like a Timo?"  
Susanna shook his head. "But it's your choice. Do you want to see him?"  
Susanna was hopeful again. And this time she was lucky - Tuomas nodded.

He carefully took the baby into his arms. Rocked him gently. Susanna had been right. He looked like a mix between him and Tarja - he definitely had Tuomas' nose and lips. But he had Tarja's eyes form and colour. His hair was blonde. He looked perfect.  
Tuomas was crying. "I hope that Tarja will survive..."  
"So do I," Susanna whispered and stroke the baby's soft head.  
Hope ...

A loud noise.  
And pain, so much pain.  
Cries.  
And screams.  
And lots of white light.  
Tarja had no idea where she was, what was happening, why the pain was tearing her innards apart. Not only her womb - also her chest. Her chest felt as if it was ripping from the inside.  
"She's had a horrible blood loss, Mr Holopainen," a voice said and Tarja tried to stretch out her hand.  
Tuomas ... he was here ...  
"Don't move, Mrs Holopainen... you need all your strength to meet your son later ..."  
"Yes ..." Tarja whispered. "Where's Tuomas... my husband ..."  
Tuomas grabbed her hand, pressed his lips on hers. "I'm here, Tarja. Don't die. Don't die ..."  
"I won't," Tarja whispered. "I can't die, I can't... leave you and our son ..."  
"He's beautiful," Tuomas mumbled. "He looks so much like you ..."  
"What's his name?" Tarja whispered.   
"Toivo," Tuomas answered and Tarja chuckled.  
"Are you serious ...?"  
"Deadly serious," was Tuomas' answer and Tarja chuckled lightly.  
"Toivo ... sounds like hope ..."  
"It's supposed to sound like hope," Tuomas said and kissed her hand. "My love ... don't die ..."  
"I won't," Tarja mumbled. "I just wanna sleep ..."  
"Then sleep," Tuomas said and kissed her again. "But don't leave me. If you leave me, I'm going to follow you."  
Tarja smiled lightly. Of course he'd follow.

Tarja died in her sleep a few hours later.  
Tuomas had just entered the room as he saw how the doctors covered her face with the white blanket.  
He dropped the flowers he had bought for his wife.  
Suddenly he felt dead inside.  
Now he had taken his life from him. The God up there had taken the only thing he needed in life.  
He sunk on his knees, watching the doctors roll the bed out.   
"I'm sorry," one of them said.  
"How ..." Tuomas croaked.  
"Her heart stopped due to the blood loss. She had too many heavy internal injuries to survive anyway. I'm so sorry for your loss, really."  
"You don't even know how I feel," Tuomas whispered.  
He was right.  
No one know how he felt.

Tuomas couldn't eat. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't do anything.  
He slowly died inside and that was just what he wanted.  
He walked to the podium and looked at the people. So many people but he didn't care. He knew that Tarja was loved.  
People who cried.  
But no one felt like him.  
Dead inside.  
"Tarja ..." he started.   
Susanna was holding Toivo. The boy was sleeping in her arms.  
"Tarja saved me," Tuomas went on. "She saved my life. And now she's gone. Gone. I love her, I still love her and ... if there's a life after death, I'm sure she's a swan now. The most beautiful swan of them all. Tarja was an angel ... and now she's a real angel. I'm trying so hard to go on with life but I know I won't succeed." He sunk his eyes on the sheet in front of him. It was empty. He hadn't written anything.  
"I ... I wrote a song for her," he mumbled. "For the... funeral ..." he started shaking. She wasn't there anymore. Just gone. From one second to the other. "Susanna was nice enough to sing it ... thanks ..."  
He closed his eyes and nodded. "Play it ... That's all I can say. The rest of my feelings you will ... find in the text of the song." He quickly went back to his seat and folded his hands.  
'Tarja ... I hope you can hear me. I love you so much. So much ...'  
He leaned his head back and listened to the song he had created for her.  
"Kerran vain haaveeni nähdä sain, en pienuutta alla tähtien tuntenut.  
Kerran sain kehtooni kalterit, vankina sieltä kirjettä kirjoitan."  
Luojani, luoksesi anna minun tulla siksi miksi lapseni minua luulee.  
Sinussa maailman kauneus, josta kuolema teki minusta taiteilijan.  
Luojani, luoksesi anna minun tulla siksi miksi lapseni minua luulee.  
Oman taivaan tänne loin. Anna minun päästä pois..."

\--epilogue--

It was the last song he had ever written.  
After the funeral he quit his newly gained job.  
He started working for a pharmaceutical industry, gained loads of money and spent his free time to be here for his son.  
And Toivo reminded him so much of Tarja.   
The older he got, the more talented he became. He started singing with three. He started playing the piano with six. Tuomas taught him well. He asked about his mother a lot and Tuomas loved to tell him about her.  
Now he was happy he hadn't died with her.  
Only a part of him had died with her but after some time he could say that it was true:  
Time healed every wound.   
Toivo was a happy little guy. He loved his father with his whole heart and tried everything to make him happy. And he succeeded.   
Tuomas was happy. He could laugh again. He had forgotten about his horrible past, about the fact that he had been raped by his father and that he had killed his father.  
He would never forget Tarja and he kissed her picture every night before he went to bed.  
He was still wearing the wedding ring.   
He'd never take it off. But one day everything changed again.

It was when Toivo was invited to a birthday party.  
Tuomas was about to pick him up but he had to get the information that the boys were still inside the pool. The mother of the boy who had turned 12 invited him for a slice of cake and Tuomas accepted.  
He took a seat next to a woman who was waiting as well and started eating.  
"Kati," the mother of Hannes, the birthday boy, suddenly started, "want another cake?"  
"Oh god no, I need to watch my weight," Kati answered and laughed.  
Tuomas looked at her, confused by her laugh and way of talking. I sounded like Tarja and her voice sounded as Tarja's.  
"But you look good," he complimented shyly. She had a great body.  
And then she looked at him - and his heart stood still for a moment.   
She had green eyes. A beautiful face shape, one of those very Finnish angular ones. She was blonde but she reminded him of ...  
"Thanks," she said with a shy smile. "I'm Katariina. Katariina Landau. Ignore my last name, it's German. I'm half German. But you can call me Kati."  
It couldn't be her. She sounded and looked like Tarja but ... it couldn't be her.  
Tuomas smiled. "Tuomas," he said and they shook hands.

The end


End file.
